It’s 2:44 in the morning. A friend kept on asking me on
Facebook why I’m still up. As always, napag-isip na naman ako. Lately I’ve been
coming home after a day of work and everything else at sobrang latang-lata ako
sa pagod pero gaya nga ng sabi ko sa social media the other day “that kind of
busy na nakaka-happy”. Hindi ko mapigilang makatulog and it usually lasts for a
few hours then for some reason, between 2am-3am nagigising ako. Kung kailan tahimik
ang paligid at tulog ang mundo, bigla ko lang masasabi “Lord, nanggigising Ka
noh?” Though I get random moments wherein I worship Him and grab stolen chances
of having short conversations, I know He is trying to tell me something.
The past few weeks I’ve been having this odd feeling. Sabi
ko nga sa kaibigan ko, hindi ko maintindihan and I can’t even identify if it’s
a good feeling or maybe it’s something bad, basta ang alam ko may certain
intensity at nababother ako. I can’t figure it out and I couldn’t tell people
about it. Sa mga nakakakilala sakin, alam nila yan na madaldal lang ako pero
bihira ako lumapit at magkwento ng mga personal na bagay. Most of the time, I
just pray for it. The only person I talk to pag may mga bagay na hindi ko na
kayang kimkimin, well, he’s already with Him. Lately dumadami mga kaibigan ko
na mas matatanda sa akin and by age difference eh talagang siksik na sa wisdom
so I decided to talk to one of them. Hindi ko makalimutan yung sinabi niya and
here’s what he said:
Sleep on it. Let the Holy Spirit come to you, huwag mong
habulin. Just be patient and sensitive sa mga nangyayari sa paligid mo kasi
minsan, nandyan na yung message, hindi mo lang mahanap kasi yung focus mo
nandun sa literal. Gusto mo kasi isasalampak sa harap mo yung sagot pero minsan
kasi nandyan lang eh, di mo lang napapansin because you expect the answer to be
in an obvious form.
Pinag-isipan ko ng maigi and I have been discerning and
praying a lot until today happened. At yun ang amazing para sa’kin kasi yung
epiphany, nangyari nang walang espesyal na okasyon and God revealed His message
to me in a very simple form – ilaw. When my mentor opened this bright light
kanina during our class, medyo madilim sa paligid at ang naiilawan lang yung
mga taong nandun. I was taking a photo of the class when God's message dawned into me…
“You are in the right place and these are the kind of people
I want you to be with.”
I was almost drowning in self-doubt and I
couldn’t stop second guessing myself. Perhaps, nasa nature ko na yun kasi as
much as I take risks (I can’t even count kung ilang beses na ‘kong tumalon at
sumemplang), nandun pa rin yung pagiging segurista ko.
Tama ba ‘to? Baka mali
‘tong ginagawa ko? Dito ba ko dapat? O dun na lang ako sa safe, dun sa kalkulado?
Kaso what if ganito? What if ganyan?
It goes on and on in my head and there are times that I
couldn’t handle the voices anymore so I just shut the whole thing out. Then it
happened. Finally.
On my way home, I was praying. I can’t help but thank God for
reassuring me that as long as He is with me, as long as hindi ako bumibitaw sa
Kanya, nothing will ever go wrong. Hindi ko na napansin yung traffic because I
was reflecting the whole time. Ibang iba yung mundo ko ngayon. Nakakapanibago
pero nakaka-excite. I am so thankful na nililinis Niya yung daan para sakin. As
I continuously pray for how many months, di ko napansin na may mga tinanggal
Siyang tao at bagay sa buhay ko and I can’t thank Him enough that the people who
remained in my arm’s length are those who I know will never take advantage of
me. He revealed to me the people who I should trust and whose hearts will be
vital in the days to come dahil yung mga pusong yun ang patuloy na magpapaalala
sakin that He loves me and that I am not alone. Marami rin Siyang dinagdag sa
buhay ko na hindi ko laging naaappreciate kasi akala ko dadaan lang, but I
realized eventually that these are the people who I would want to keep not just
because I have seen their kind hearts but because hanggat nandito sila, hindi
ako mawawala.
God is preparing me for something. I can feel it. I don’t
know kung ano specifically and I don’t want to know, at least not until He’s
ready to reveal it to me but I am beyond grateful because He answered my prayer
by sending me the right people to walk this journey with.
I felt this need to share how God unceasingly manifests His
love and greatness to me because I know 100% that He will work wonders in your
life too only if you have a willing heart. I am a work in progress and there are
so many things in me that need a lot of tweaking but all my worries have been washed
out because I know for a fact na hinding hindi Niya ko pababayaan.
Let me end this entry with this. This is something that a good
friend told me and it really hit a spot…
You know that God is at work in your life when you start
doing things na akala mo imposible at hindi mo kayang gawin. Those things na
iniisip mo noon na hindi para sayo kahit
gustong gusto mo pero opportunities na hindi mo plinano o hinanap ang hihila
sayo, pabalik-balik, paulit-ulit. And when that happens, don’t fight it. Hold
that faith in your heart na nilagay ka diyan for a reason and whatever that is,
it is for His purpose. Make Him happy. Fulfill it.
Carpe diem!
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