I have been
on hiatus for some time. Not that it matters to others but I would like to
share with you something that was life changing for me.
Just a
background, madalas ko ng naririnig yung prayer and fasting. Actually, I try to
do it every Holy Week (and I say “try” kasi most of the time hindi successful).
It was just recently that I had serious thoughts about it because I felt
something inside was calling me to do it. For days, I researched on the proper
way of doing prayer and fasting. I talked to my mom about it and sought advice
from my friends especially those na nasubukan na. I didn’t know how to prepare
myself for it kasi “7 days” is “7 days”. Yung malihis ako sa nakasanayan ko and
give up certain things (sa mga hindi nakakaalam I have this need to stick to my
daily routine otherwise I become really anxious), it was unimaginable for me.
But then I realized, this will test kung ano nga ba ang kaya kong isakripisyo
para sa Kanya so sabi ko “sige na, bahala na”.
Sa totoo
lang, wala akong major issue sa buhay. I’m not depressed. Wala akong
pinagdadaanan. Everything is okay. I am working on a lot of things lalo na sa
career and everyday nagigising ako na sobrang hopeful at excited sa mga
projects na nakasalang sakin para sa mga susunod na buwan. At some point though
narealize ko na lagi natin iniisip kung masaya ba tayo. The things we do, we do
it to pursue happiness. I began to ask “Ikaw ba Lord? Happy ka ba?” I decided
to zone out for 7 days so I could hear Him better. I have been looking for my
so called “spiritual home” for a long time and I feel that I have already found
it but I know in my heart that there are things in my life that need serious
“pruning” because as much as I have accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, there
are still things na hindi ko maisuko ng 100%. Mga bagay na akala ko sinuko ko
na pero hindi pa pala buong buo yung pag-surrender ko.
A friend once
told me “Hindi ka Niya masasagip kung dumidiskarte ka pa rin ng pang-sarili
mo.” Hindi ko maisuko kasi feeling ko hindi ko kaya. Ganun tayo eh – tao,
madalas mahina. Sa mga araw na lumipas dun ko narealize that when you say “With
God, nothing is impossible.” you have to REALLY believe it. Majority sa buhay
ko sinuko ko na sa Kanya pero yun mismo yung problema. “Majority” LANG. Hindi
lahat. Hindi buo. Hindi kumpleto.
Since I
started my 7-day journey, things were easy. Nagulat din ako. The things na
akala ko ang hirap i-give up at feeling ko essential sa araw araw kong
pamumuhay, He answered my prayer kasi hindi ko hinanap hanap. Wala talagang
urge. Dun ko naisip yung mga mas seryosong bagay na hindi ko mabitawan. I
looked at myself closely and how I live my life and God showed me so many
things that I was so afraid to deal with before kaya naipon lang. He made me
realize “Anak, sinampolan na kita sa maliliit na bagay. Kinaya kong alisin.
Sana pagkatiwalaan mo rin Ako sa mga malalaking bagay sa buhay mo na kailangan
mo ng tanggalin.”
I realized
that I became dependent on some things na kung hindi ko pa aayusin ngayon,
natatakot ako na baka makalimutan ko that He is my God – not the dreams that I
am pursuing, not the people around me who I love, not the material things and
the fleeting moments here on earth that I enjoy. I have been spending so much
time pursuing my personal happiness that I’m slowly taking Him for granted.
Nagsisimula ko ng sukatin yung success at kaligayahan ko through earthly
standards ng hindi ko namamalayan. Kinalabit Niya ko bigla and asked me “Anak,
para sa Akin pa ba yan?”
I know after
this marami pang mangyayari but the past few days had been both challenging and
fulfilling for me. I feel renewed and more motivated to pursue Him and the
hunger to get to know Him keeps growing and growing. Ngayon ko lang mas
naunawaan that when He calls you and you respond to it, pag ang puso mo
binuksan mo ng buong buo sa Kanya, mas maiintindihan mo Siya, mas makikilala mo
Siya, mas maririnig mo yung boses Niya.
I want to
turn away so badly from the things that will hurt Him and in doing so, I know
it will take more time, patience and commitment. I admit that it worried me a
lot that I might backslide but this week, I truly found peace in my heart and
submitted all my fears to Him because I know that for as long as I trust Him
completely, nothing is impossible.
Thank you,
Lord, for surrounding me with people who will help me make sure that I am
aligned with Your purpose for me and my life and for sending me earth angels na
aakay sakin pabalik in case madapa na naman ako. To my parents, especially my
mom who laid the groundwork sa pagkilala ko sa Kanya, maraming maraming
salamat. To my sister-in-law, Belle, you have no idea how one Sunday with you
and my brother changed me. I will be forever grateful for that. To my friends
who check up on me all the time and who have expressed their sincere desire to
join me in my walk with Christ (Jill, Thea, Ms. Joy, and Mommy Faith), THANK
YOU!
I am not
sharing this so people would emulate what I did and I can’t guarantee the same
spiritual experience kasi iba iba naman tayo but I encourage you to take a
pause once in a while and REALLY listen to what He wants to tell You. Allow Him
to enter your heart and fill all the holes na akala niyo kahit kailan hindi
mapupunan. Let Him do wonders and miracles in your life because believe me, you
will gain the best kind of happiness – pure, real and everlasting. I
incessantly pray for love and kindness to continuously reign in your hearts and
may you find in all things that you do the desire to glorify and honor God.
Carpe diem!
:)
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