The Love You Deserve

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“Bakit ba ang choosy mo?”

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she suddenly blurted this out. Hindi ko alam kung may tamang sagot sa tanong na ‘to pero hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag lahat ng tumatakbo sa isip ko sa isa o dalawang sentences lang. I decided to write about it dahil hindi ako pinatulog nito kagabi. I never asked myself this question before but last night I thought about it long and hard.

The thing about people who have loved and learned is that they begin to embrace the whole concept of “knowing what you want”. And I guess that’s just it. I’m not being “choosy” out of pride. People may say “Screw standards, you like who you like”. Ganun din ako mag-isip noon. Sa mga pinagdaanan ko, I tried my best to analyze if I had a pattern. Kung saan ako nagkamali and what’s my share in the demise of my relationships. You don’t just lose people along the way and learn nothing. This is my perspective. I’m not claiming to know everything about love and relationships but in case may maka-relate, you’re not alone.

Let me share what I learned…

Before you get yourself involved with someone, ask yourself: Why do you want to be in a relationship? Is it because you want to feel special? Is it because you don’t want to be alone? Is it because lahat ng kaibigan mo in a relationship at gusto mo makiuso? Are you aiming for “forever” (if there’s even such thing) o gusto mo lang ng ka-MOMOL? Walang masama sa kahit na ano diyan basta alam mo kung ano ang hinahanap mo. And this is why I am choosy.

I want someone who is self-assured. A person who can live without me but still chooses to be with me. I want to be with you if you are someone who wants my company not out of an emotional need or a void that I may or may not fill but because my presence lights a spark in your soul. A person who I will take care of because I want to, not because I know you’ll fall apart if I don’t. Someone who will inspire me to be better not because I want to be the kind of person who can give all your needs but because someone as amazing as you deserves it. And sadly, I find people like this so rare nowadays. And this is why I am choosy.

I want to share a relationship with someone who I can grow with. We can be different in so many things but as long as we share the desire to be together and fight hell hard to protect what we have, I’ll stand by you no matter what. I don’t give in to momentary chills and occasional “kilig” not because I’m hard to please but because I know who I am and what I can give when I offer my heart to someone. All I want is a person who will say “I love you” and truly mean it. And this is why I am choosy.

My heart is so strong that it was able to glue itself together after being smashed into pieces by people in my past. Now it is almost brand new and I will give it to you because you know you have the power to break it again but will never do so because for once, a person like you will recognize that a heart that I fought so hard to keep pure deserves to be protected by a love like yours. And this is why I am choosy.

Working out a relationship with someone, I believe, is not rocket science. It takes two people who want the same things. I am not a square who will soften my edges just to fit in a round hole. I used to think na pag mahal mo ang isang tao lahat ng klase ng adjustment gagawin mo but I eventually realized that the person you are with is not a mold to where you should shape yourself. The two of you must melt together and create a pattern unknown to others… something unique, something only the two of you understands, something beautiful, something that can only be built by LOVE. And for me it’s either this, or none at all.

Carpe diem!

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When Do You Let Go?

Photo from thesusanblog.com

I’ve been busy the past few weeks both with work and on this book I’ve been writing. Iwas burnout muna so yes… I have to be in trance tonight and leave my toxic world for a few hours. Ergo, magsusulat ako.

I read a post somewhere one time. I can’t remember when exactly pero medyo matagal na. Thought-provoking, matagal ko na gusto i-tackle yung topic pero ngayon lang ako nagka-oras talaga. As stated on the post…

Kailan mo malalaman kung dapat ka na mag-let go sa relationship?

I wish I could talk to the one who posted it so I could have a clear view of the situation but since I have no idea what the whole story is, in general ko nalang ididiscuss. I’m no expert, so whatever it is na mababasa niyo, sakin lang ‘to. Disclaimer lang :)

Going back to the topic…

Kung ako lang… maingat ako when I get myself involved in a relationship. I don’t know how it is with other people, but for me, hindi ako nakikipagrelasyon kasi kung kanikanino lang. Oo, siguro nga pwedeng masabi na pihikan ako. Hindi dahil masyadong mataas ang tingin ko sa sarili ko. Mapili ako kasi pag nasa relationship ako, I want it with someone na sigurado akong ipaglalaban ko kahit hanggang saan kami makarating. So kailan ba dapat mag-let go? Depende yan sa sitwasyon and how you look at it. Sakin kasi, I have my non-negotiables. Maghihiwalay lang tayo sa tatlong rason, No 1: you cheat on me, No.2 pag pinaramdam mo sakin na hindi ka na masaya and No.3 ikaw ang makikipagbreak sakin for whatever reason you have. Other than that, I can bear. As long as I can see that the person I am with is doing everything to make the relationship work, hindi ko siya bibitawan. Because when you want someone to stay in your life and if you know that they want you in theirs too, you fight for it. Period. Pero pag hindi mutual ang feeling, kung ako ang bibitawan, ibang usapan na yun.

You fall in love with someone for a reason.  You just don’t fall out ng ganun ganun lang. Na gigising ka isang araw ayaw mo na? Being in a relationship is not easy at hindi yan araw araw sparks and fireworks. Even if you ask people who have been with their partners for years and decades, iisa sasabihin nila sayo. That keeping a relationship is hardwork. Hindi yan tipong araw araw in love ka. Walang ganun. There will be days na nakakapikon siya, na ang sarap niyang kalbuhin, na magagalit ka, mag-aaway kayo, na nakakasawa, na feeling mo ayaw mo na… but that’s the point. FEELING lang yun. Ang tanong… anong gagawin mo sa FEELING na yan? Will you nurture it o lalabanan mo?

I’m not saying that this is how relationships should be kasi kanya kanya naman yan pero para sakin, ang relasyon na nagtatagal, binubuo yan, hindi yan kusang nangyayari. Every waking day that you are in that relationship, you make a decision to be with that person and to love them even during moments that they're the hardest to fall for. I’m not saying na obligasyon yan but that’s what it means when you COMMIT yourself to someone and that is why you really have to choose who you give your heart to. Kasi pag binigay mo na yung puso mo, kasunod na niyan yung isip mo, lahat ng ikaw buong buo. So when you say YES to someone, do everything to protect what you have lalo na kung alam mong worthy yung tao kasi kung lahat ng tao susukuan mo, walang matitira sayo…

The question is not “MAHAL ko pa ba?” kasi araw araw pwede yan magbago.

Ang tanong… “MAMAHALIN ko pa ba?” kasi once pagdesisyunan mong OO ang sagot diyan, walang ng dapat pang pag-usapan.

Carpe diem!

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Kailan Mo Nga Ba Masasabing Ready Ka Na?

Photo from ellenhartson.com

Reading my old blogs. Came across this. I wrote it in September 19, 2013. I'm amazed. It feels like I'm meeting the 2013 version of me. Haha! Anyway, have fun reading. :)

When I reflect on the title of my blog isang tanong lang ang binabalik-balikan ko: Is there even such thing?

Just a disclaimer, everything you are about to read are just my thoughts. I may be thinking out loud and here, putting it in writing. Feel free to disagree. :)

Here's my take on this...

Ang daling sabihin at isipin na hindi ka pa handa sa isang bagay. If you just came from a relationship, if you just had your heart broken, perhaps you're still rebuilding your life and taking back everything you just lost, this may sound cliché and gasgas pero totoo 'to para sakin... You become ready when you find someone who you really really like (not necessarily love) and that you feel it in your gut that if you pass up the chance, you'll regret it. There are things in life na masasabi mo sa sarili mo that it is a one time thing. Na it's either you take it now, or you lose it forever. I know some of you will laugh at this dahil napaka-hopeless romantic lang ng sinabi ko. Even ako nababaduyan but what the heck, pagdating sa “love” kung ano pa ang corny yun pa ang worth it.

Sa mga nagsasabing hindi pa sila ready...

If you find yourself not having a steady date, it doesn't necessarily mean na you're not ready for a relationship. You just haven't found the right person yet who would make you jump off the cliff as you scream “sh*t bahala na si Batman, ito na yun”. Ang relasyon hindi yan final exam na kailangan pag-aralan at paghandaan. Kailangan ba ready ka muna bago makipagrelasyon o kailangan makipagrelasyon ka muna para malamang ready ka na? Truth is, it doesn't matter because when you meet the next person who will rock your world, basag yang “I'm not yet ready” mo.

Sa mga nasabihan ng “I'm not yet ready for a relationship”...

Maybe you're just not the one they're looking for. It's either you play their game and wait for them to be "ready" or move on as quickly as possible and eventually bump into someone who, without batting an eyelash, will be ready for you. Someone who won't keep you hanging and not leave you in limbo. So don't try to find the right one... be that person instead and who knows, natisod mo na pala yung tamang tao para sayo. :)

Carpe diem!

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Single Ba Kamo?

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Scanning through old files as I try to find inspiration in writing Project Z... then I found this. I wrote it some time last year. Isang nakakabaliw at nakakaaliw na taon na ang nakakalipas. :) Anyway, you might pick up something here. Enjoy!

I honestly don't know what the big deal is kung single ang isang tao until I contemplated about it lately. I've been reading a couple of blogs and random status from people sa iba't ibang sites. It dawned into me na oo nga, big deal nga ata.

Nasubukan ko na pareho, maging single and to be in a relationship. Parehong may perks, pareho ding may disadvantages. But let's focus more on "singlehood". Single as in walang katext lagi, single as in walang automatic kasama pag gusto mong lumabas, single as in "malungkot" at feeling "walang nagmamahal", single as in walang tinatawag na baby, honey, babe, love, tart, coco crunch o kung ano pa man (ayoko na makipagpatamisan ng term of endearment). 

This is not a self-promotion but I am single. Single and not worried. Not worried na tumandang mag-isa. Not worried na walang nagmamahal. Not worried na matulog na unan lang ang katabi. Not worried na walang pinagrereportan ng whereabouts ko. Not worried na walang nagagalit over petty things. Not worried na sa lamig nalang ng nakaraang habagat at mga darating pang bagyo kikiligin. Just NOT WORRIED AT ALL. 

How? Why? Ewan ko din. I've been in long term relationships and kung may namaster akong pakiramdam, yun na ata yun, yung dependency, yung attachment. I don't even know how to be on my own. But with my most recent breakup, everything became different. Dumating ako sa puntong di na ko makaiyak pero alam kong nasasaktan ako. Hindi ko masabing namanhid because I can feel everything. Pero sigurado ako sa isang bagay... Naubos ako. And that's when I remembered what my friend told me once. Na sa bawat tao daw na mamahalin mo, you will leave a part of you in them. So when one relationship ends, you have to gain that part back bago ka magmahal ulit. Otherwise, you will keep on loving and loving until one day you'll wake up with nothing more to offer, not even to yourself. 

Sa pagkakakilala ko sa sarili ko I'm fearless when it comes to relationships. I take risks and I don't look back. I give it my best shot, I lay down everything from day 1 and surprisingly I can sustain. Until this. For the first time natakot ako. Hindi ako takot na magmahal ulit, I'm not even scared of getting hurt again. I'm terrified that one day dumating na yung tamang tao para sakin at dahil sinagad ko sarili ko, wala na ko mabibigay sakanya. 

My point is... 

I don't want to be lonely... But I don't want to be broken forever. Yung tipong kahit may karelasyon ka alam mong may part sa sarili mo na hindi makukumpleto ng kahit sino. 

Sabi nila mahalin mo muna sarili mo bago ka magmahal ng iba. Cliche. Kaya hindi ako naniniwala. But eventually I realized that being single is a gift. It's not a curse. It is an opportunity that one should embrace because it means growth... a chance to get to know yourself and to discover how strong you can be dahil hindi mo kailangan ng ibang tao para maramdaman mong mahalaga ka. Don't get me wrong. Hindi ako hater at mas lalong hindi ako bitter. All I'm saying is don't settle. Don't be in a relationship with the next person who makes you feel important just because you don't want to be left alone. Alamin mo muna kung papano mo talagang naiintindihan ang salitang "love" before you get yourself involved with anyone. This has nothing to do with rebound relationships. Actually tungkol to sayo. Hindi sakanya, hindi sakanila. SAYO. Hindi kung ano ang kaya nilang ibigay kundi ano ang kaya mo ibigay at kung ano ba ang dapat para sayo. 

I don't care kung gaano ako katagal magiging single not because I lost hope. It's actually the opposite. I'm choosing this path because I'm hopeful. Hopeful to find not a better partner but the best partner. Hopeful that I will someday get the kind of love that my heart truly deserves. Hopeful that God will hand me that heart as I hear Him say "I reserved this one especially for you, now you're ready. Alagaan mo dahil ito, sayo na at sayo lang." 

For now, I want to gain back everything that I lost. As what most would say, be the kind of person you want to be with. If you don't love your own company, who else would want you then? I'm not sure if I made sense here but I hope my insight would somehow help. 

Carpe diem!

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Para Sa Mga Naghahabol at Nagpapahabol

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The situation: 

Your "someone" broke up with you (for whatever reason), or perhaps you've been dating and then suddenly bigla siyang naging cold. What do you do? Hahabulin mo ba o hindi? 

The inspiration for writing this is a friend of mine who I shared a good conversation with last night. It’s actually her dilemma. I think it’s worth sharing because for some reason naniniwala ako na may iba na ganito din ang pinagdadaanan. This is just my take on the situation. Not that I’m this arrogant writer trying to preach what’s right and what’s wrong. Just my two cents… 

Answer? It depends. 

Para sa mga naghahabol… 

For a certain period I’ll say yes, hahabulin ko. I’ll do this only if I believe that whatever it is we have is worth saving. Bigyan ng panahon to think things through hanggang makapagdecide siya. Regardless kung anong rason kung bakit kumakawala yung kapit niya, hahabol ako, maghihintay ako, susubukan ko. Hanggang kalian? Pag sinabi na niyang tama na at pagramdam ko that whatever I do, it will be a fruitless battle. 

“Kung mahal niya talaga ako, hahabulin niya ko.” 

I say BULL. I get it that sometimes  people have this need to feel wanted and be chased perhaps to feel important, but if this happens to me, ibabalik ko lang sakanya and say “Kung mahal mo talaga ako, hindi mo ko bibitawan.” You’ll make me feel like I’m this thing that you can drop anytime you want and for what? To make you feel important?? My goodness before you do this whole chasing thing, face the mirror and say this… SELF-WORTH. 

Another point, some people have this misconception na pag inayawan ka na’t hinabol mo, you’re doing it because you love them. BIG NO. You’re doing it to satisfy yourself which means you are being selfish. Binitawan ka na. Kung talagang mahal mo, ibigay mo yung gusto. If they scream freedom, give it to them. It has nothing to do with LOVE but more of RESPECT. Respect for yourself para hindi mo hayaang magmukha kang tanga’t kawawa and respect for the other person’s decision to end things with you. Sinaktan ka na nga, sasaktan mo pa sarili mo, ano pa natira sayo? 

Madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin? Oo. Pero mas madaling magmove on kesa magising isang araw at marealize that you have been stuck for too long and for what? A person who doesn't even want you? Not worth your time at mas lalong not worth your affection. Better give it to someone who wants it… your family, your friends, pero ang the best dun ibigay mo nalang sa sarili mo. Mas may mapapala ka pa. 

I guess I just have this thing about rejection. Ang take ko kasi sa ganyan while I’m with you, I’ll move heaven and earth if I have to mapasaya lang kita. But once you tell me that I no longer make you happy, I’ll let you go.

Mahirap makaugalian ang ipagpilitan ang sarili sa taong ayaw na sayo. Masasaktan ka sa umpisa pero kung alam mo na binigay mo lahat, there’s no such thing as “what if” because you couldn’t have done anything more. Kung kulang pa para sakanya then it’s plain and simple… You’re not right for each other and that’s something na hindi mo mababago kahit sumirko ka pa’t gumulong mula QC hanggang Makati. 

Now if you’re just dating at hindi pa kayo… STOP! Hindi pa nga kayo ginaganyan ka na, papano pa pag naging kayo na. Sometimes people love the CHASE, not you.

Para sa mga nagpapahabol… 

Decide. Hindi ka si Hitler. Wag kang sadista. Masama ang karma pag bumalik. Say it. Show it habang nandyan pa sila. Now if you don’t really want them, say it straight at panindigan mo. Stop giving mixed signals. Di bale ng magmukha kang rude sa hindi pagrereply o sa pag-iwas. Help them get over you. In other words... WAG KANG PAASA. 

Carpe diem!

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