Please Be Kind To Yourself

May nasermunan akong kaibigan. (Love you H! Hope I didn't ruin your night.) Sharing parts of our conversation just in case may ibang taong makinabang sa naging usapan namin. :)

Carpe diem!

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Bago Mo Paikutin Mundo Mo Sakanya

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I had an amazing conversation with a new friend last weekend. I found myself listening to her in awe. I was blown away with the fact that I saw my 23-year old self in her. Madaming aspirations, ang daming gusto mangyari sa buhay, ang taas ng ambisyon. One question dawned into me during my "me" time though... Anong nangyari sakin?

I'm speaking only based on my experience but I would like to share this because I know somehow, somewhere, may mga makakarelate. Don't get me wrong. Hindi ako patapon. I'm very much in love with my life right now but before I got to where I am, ang dami ko sinayang na pagkakataon, ang dami kong tinapon na oras. Bakit? One word... LOVE.

This is not a bitter story. I blame no one other than myself because trust me... ANG LAKAS MAKADISKARIL NG BUHAY PAG MALI ANG KONSEPTO MO SA SALITANG "PAGMAMAHAL". I'm not only talking about love for a partner, I'm talking about love in general which encompasses yung pagmamahal sa pamilya, sa kaibigan, at sa kung sino sino pa. Na akala mo pag mas mahal mo sila mas magiging masaya ka. Tipong kakalimutan mo sarili mo maaccommodate mo lang yung mga gusto nila. Na bibitawan mo pati pangarap mo dahil gusto mo sa lahat kasama sila. The sad part? Lahat 'to mangyayari without you even knowing it. Marerealize mo nalang pag may magpaalala sayo kung sino ka talaga before you decided to put your life on hold so you could build a future with someone else.

Sa mga walang tinitira sa sarili...

I get you. I've been there. But believe me... Kaya mo mahalin ng totoo ang sarili mo at ibang tao ng sabay. Do not submit yourself completely because love doesn't work that way. Try your best to be conscious about your decisions and how you balance everything because what most people fail to realize is that kung ikaw mismo nakukulangan sa sarili mo, eventually magiging kulang ka din para sa mga taong mahal mo.

Sa mga minamahal ng mga taong walang tinitira para sa sarili...

If you really love them, don't take pride or joy in seeing them na pinapaikot ang mundo nila sayo. It's not everyday that you get to meet people who could love that way. They are giving you a part of them that you can break so as much as you can, alagaan mo yung puso nila. Wag mo hayaan na idefine niya ang sarili niya sa kung anuman ang meron kayo. Don't let them lose sight of their identity. Support them, encourage them, love them. Hayaan mo sila mangarap. Inspire them to grow and become better. Sa isang taong totoong nagmamahal, you will find it in your heart to feel pure joy whenever you see them fulfilled and genuinely happy.

Best relationship? Two people who are good on their own but choose to stay with each other because they know they're better together.

Carpe diem!

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Getting Over An Ex

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Lahat ng tao may kanya kanyang paraan kung papano mag-move on. There are some people na kahit saglit palang nakakasama yung tao, inaabot ng taon bago tumigil kakaiyak. May iba naman na kahit inabot na ng dekada yung relasyon, in less than a month nakakatawa na akala mo wala lang nangyari.

Let me tell you this... It doesn't matter who broke up with who. Sana wag gawing kumpetisyon ng mga tao kung sino ang mas nasaktan o sino ang naunang makaget over kasi sa kahit na anong break up, pareho kayong talo. Pilit mo mang ideny yan sa sarili mo pero in some way, nasaktan ka din. Hindi basehan ang tagal at gabaldeng luha para masukat kung gaano mo kamahal ang isang tao. I never thought it's even possible to have loved someone with your entire being but you feel as if insufficient amount of tears were shed when this person walked away. Na hindi mo mapilit sarili mong umiyak hindi dahil hindi ka nasasaktan but because you are too numb to even cry.

So again, how do you get over someone?

Sometimes the answer to this question lies on how you were when you were together. If you treated them well, if you were at your best during your time, if you loved them (as in “love” in its truest meaning) when they were still around. In my past relationships, I have realized that moving on was hardest when you know na ikaw yung nakasakit or when you know na ikaw ang nagkulang. That perhaps during the time that you guys were still together and when you had the chance, you did not treat them well because you thought you will never lose them. Kasi pag natapos na lahat, hindi lang guilt ang mararamdaman mo, pati regret. But when you know that you have done everything to keep them happy and that you have given so much of yourself to make them feel loved, when they walk away walang regret, walang guilt. Just pain… pain na kayang gamutin ng panahon.

I can give you tips and what not kung papano makamove on like i-unfriend ang ex mo sa Facebook, idelete ang number niya sa phone mo, avoid contact, etc. but these things cannot be done easily kung deep down may urge ka din na makita o marinig siya, or maybe do anything to get their attention in an attempt to pull them back. I don’t know if this will work for other people but to get over someone in a healthy way, make sure na in each relationship that you get yourself into mahalin mo siya ng totoo. Na kahit kayo pa, imagining them walking away from you alam mo sa sarili mo na wala kang pagsisisihan. Mas madaling tanggapin na hindi lang talaga kayo para sa isa’t isa kesa lunukin yung idea na iniwan ka dahil nakasakit ka.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – ang pinakagasgas na breakup line pero minsan ito yung pinakatotoo. Marinig mo man ‘to sakanya o hindi, kung alam mong ginawa mo lahat, tama siya. Kung hindi siya makuntento, kung hindi niya mahanap yung gusto niya sayo, simple lang… wala sayo ang problema, nasa kanya. In other words, dead end.

If you’re one of the million people in the world crying right now because of a broken heart, hear me when I say this… Embrace the pain because this won’t last long. Hold your hope that one day when your heart heals, it will be in its strongest. Na may dumating mang iba na maaring iwan ka ulit, sa susunod iiyak ka but you won’t ever be this shattered again. For now, suck it up, take it one day at a time because nakakabadtrip man tong pakinggan pero trust me, everything will be fine.

Carpe diem!

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Ex and Second Chances

Photo from www.iwantcovers.com

If asked what’s my take on second chances (or third, fourth, etc)…

Na-blog ko na ‘to in the past and I would say na kung ano yung nasabi ko in 2008, I still believe in the same thing. Naniniwala ba ko sa second chances? It depends. True, everyone deserves a second chance pero depende naman yan sa nature ng hiwalayan niyo.

Sa mga break-bati, break-bati…

I have met a lot of couples like this. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against this. Bahala kayo kung anong trip niyo. But if I will be asked kung gawain ko ‘to, NO. I take the word “break” seriously. Ayoko siya maging laro o panakot, o something na gagawin ko para lang may thrill. This thing, I find it somewhat pang-high school (sorry, no pun intended). Opinyon ko lang naman. Konting away, break. Mababaw na pinagtalunan, break. Walang kabagay-bagay na kinairitahan sa isa’t isa, break. Tapos pag malamig na ulo… makikipagbalikan. If you are in a mature relationship, you will value each other’s feelings and you will respect your relationship enough to not break it off ng dahil lang sa isang bagay na hindi mo pinag-isipan. If you will make it a habit, mawawalan na ng sense ang salitang “break” sa inyo. Why I take it seriously? Here’s why.

Everytime you break up with someone, it’s you telling your partner “I can’t handle you and your imperfections.”

Everytime you break up with someone, it’s you telling your partner “I can drop you just like that but I can pull you back anytime I want.”

And every single time you break up is a wound you inflict on your relationship. Then you get numb. And when you get numb, before you know it mawawalan na ng halaga kung anuman meron kayo.

When couples fight, it doesn’t really matter whether nagsisigawan kayo o nagpapalipas muna kayo ng sama ng loob before you discuss what just happened, but if you really want to take care of your relationship, breaking up should never be an option unless seryoso ka. In the beginning of a relationship I always make that clear. A break up should be a process and a one-time thing. It is a process in the sense na pinagdedesisyunan yan at pinag-iisipan. And it is a one-time thing because once you cast the word, there’s no going back. Hindi naman sa ma-pride pero para sakin, “break na tayo” is equivalent to “ayoko na”. So when you say it, dapat sigurado ka. Isang beses lang ako magtatanong kung desidido ka and when I hear a “yes”, that’s it. And if you are this kind of person, you let your partner know that you want someone who respects you and your relationship, period.

If you will take your ex back…

Embrace the idea that whatever it is na nagawa nila to make you walk away, they could do it again. BUT… wag kang praning. If you give someone a second chance, it also means na with all sincerity bibigyan mo siya ng pagkakataon to gain your trust back. Stop bringing up past mistakes because if you will keep on taking it against your ex and use it as a bullet para may maisumbat tuwing mag-aaway kayo, eh tigilan mo na yan. Naglolokohan lang kayo. Remember, there’s no such thing as “getting things back to how it was before”, only “starting over”. So if you can’t let the past go and begin a new leaf with your ex, just call it quits. For real.

If you’re sure as hell that you won’t take your ex back…

Tama na yung “para pa ding kayo pero hindi na kayo” setup. Imbis na nagsasayang ka ng oras kaka-urong sulong because of this so called “attachment”, be fair both to your ex and yourself. Just say it straight and MEAN IT.

Why I rarely go back to my exes…

When I’m in a relationship, I commit myself to it. And I mean “commit” in its truest meaning. I will do everything I can to make the relationship work and giving up is not exactly in my nature. That’s why I’m very careful sa taong pinipili ko because I don’t do relationships just for the sake of being in one. But once I say “I’m done”, it only means that I have done all things possible pero talagang hindi na pwede ipilit otherwise we’ll end up hating each other. There’s no bitterness in that. It’s just that I’d rather start with someone new than go back to an ex and deal with the same issues ng paulit ulit. Sometimes you have to know when something is over and when it is, pull the curtain down, drop the bitterness, move forward and wag ka ng lilingon. Trust me, you will thank yourself later on.

Carpe diem!

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The Real Girl X

Photo from wizzersworld.com

Someone who's really dear to me wrote something this morning and as I was reading it, I didn't expect happy tears to stream down my face. To think na hindi naman ako ganun kaiyakin. Nabasa daw niya yung blog ko about who Abciddy really is kaya niya naisip isulat 'to. To you, maraming maraming salamat. Natunaw ang puso ko dito. Seryoso :')

Sino nga ba si Abciddy sa mata ng isang taong totoong nakakakilala sakanya? :)

--

Tanda nyo nung panahon ng Friendster? There's this thing called testimonial? It was used to supplement your profile or about me. Back then, people were writing this on your profile to let your other friends know what kind of a person you are. Nawalan na lang ng saysay nung naglaon.

Anyway, i am not writing to discuss about Friendster. Baka nga kinder pa karamihan sa magbabasa nito nung nauso yun. My point is, I want to write something like that for Abciddy. But since i dont have a blog to post it, binigay ko na lang sa kanya.

Sino nga ba si Abciddy? Or Anong klaseng tao si Abciddy???

I can't answer the first one kasi kahit alam ko ang buong pangalan nya, sa sitwasyon ng buhay karera nya, mas bagay na syang tawaging Abciddy at hindi kung ano pa man. Ni totoong pangalan nya hindi na bagay sa kanya. Definitely I can spill the latter and this is my way of telling you na maswerte ako na kilala ko sya.

I know she already wrote something about herself but I think that was not enough for her readers including myself.

These are some of the many things I know about her that i'd be gladly sharing with you.

1. Girl X
Sya ang original na Girl X.

A friend used to dedicate blog posts from QWERTY (her past penname). Manghang mangha ako kung paano sya magsulat at mag-isip. Parang kahit complicated na, pag sya na nagpaliwanag, ang dali lang pala. Sabi ko, kailangan ko makilala 'tong taong 'to. But where could I find her? Kahit itype ko sa google yung QWERTY, kahit isa walang hit.

Pero ewan ko ba naman kung paano kami pinaglaruan ng tadhana, nakilala ko sya. I told her about QWERTY and my want to meet her. Ka swerte ko namang nilalang, nasa harapan ko na pala.

2. Tambay ng coffee shop
Since I got to know Abciddy, bukangbibig nya na yung pangarap nyang coffeeshop. May pangalan na nga e, may design na din. Alam na din nya kung san nya itatayo.

If you want to stalk Abciddy, here's a clue where you could find her most of the time. It's a coffee shop in Quezon City that was once seen in a movie. She could stay there from morning to have breakfast until late night after party.

3. Mahilig sa ice cream
Sya ang original na mahilig sa ice cream. Like Zander, yun din ang comfort food nya.

4. Lantern
Remember the 11/11/11 event in Mercato? Dapat pupunta kami dun e. Kilig na kilig sya sa excitement kasi naiimagine nya na yung kagaya sa movie na Tangled. Because of safety reasons, hindi natuloy yung mismong event so we ended up lighting our own. Mas maliwanag pa ngiti nya sa mga lanterns. Naiimagine nyo ba? :)

5. Simple
Unlike Zander, wala syang pakialam sa suot nya. Deadma sa brand, deadma na sa fashion. Pero hindi ibig sabihin nun dugyot sya manamit. She's more like Jill. Simple lang tsaka yung comfortable. Shirt, jeans and sneakers konting spray ng perfume, gora na!

6. Mahaba magtext
Siguro kasi writer sya kaya most of the time tanungin mo sya, ang sagot nya sayo mala 3 links. Example, Q: "Kumain ka na?" A: "Yup. Kasabay ko sila mommy. Nagluto kasi sya ng paborito kong kare-kare. Medyo late nga lang kasi ang tagal palambutin ng karne tsaka hinintay pa si daddy para sabay sabay na kami. Ending hindi naman pala sya dito magdidinner."

Ganong level!

And unlike Zander, hindi sya jeje magtext. Buong buo. Complete with punctuation marks and correct capitalization.

7. Friendly
Huli na siguro 'to. Kasi kabaliktaran ako nung number 6 e. :)

Wala syang masamang tinapay sa tao. She doesn't judge. Kahit sabihin mong masama ugali ni ganito ni ganyan, hahanapan pa din nya ng maganda sa kanila.

This is the reason kung bakit lahat ng kaibigan ko kaibigan na din nya.

I hope one day, you guys get to know her personally too. She's more than a writer. She's a lecturer. Unconsciously, she moves people's lives and plays with their emotions through writing. Tama nga sya nung sinabi nya na her works are more important than who the real Abciddy is. May you be inspired to live and love everytime you read her words. You are a huge part of her motivation to write more and better.

Until here,

-The Original Jill

(JK. Just kidding o initials ng name nya?) :p

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All About Long Distance Relationships

Photo from indipepper.com

Sigurado ako title palang nito madami na magrereact. Some people may agree with me while others posibleng magtaas ng kilay so uunahan ko na kayo. This is only based on my experience and my own perspective which means this is subjective. 

I have been in 2 long distance relationships. None of the two worked out obviously but despite the failure, I still believe in long distance relationships... I believe in relationships, period. 

The demise of my relationships with my long distance exes had little to do with distance but more of the level of commitment. Ang long distance relationship, kahit nasa magkabilang dulo pa kayo ng mundo, nagwowork pag meron kayong common goal which is to be together in one place one day. Like what one friend of mine said, companion in life ang kailangan mo, hindi chatmate. So if you don't see yourselves being together physically in the NEAR future, trust me, it's a ticking time bomb. And for two people to withstand the distance as they achieve their shared goal, dapat pareho kayo ng level of commitment otherwise, naglalaro lang kayo. 

I can go on and on about the pros and cons pero wala akong plano magpaseminar on how to make LDRs work. I just want to share with you my insight about this bilang pinagdaanan ko na.

For people who are currently miles apart from their partners...

One word: Communication.

Namnamin mo bawat letra, iinternalize mo yung totoong kahulugan kasi yan at yan lang ang magsasalba sa relasyon niyo. Communication as in constantly talking to each other.Communication as in LISTENING to your partner.Communication as in being honest and open. Communication as in UNDERSTANDING one another even in moments that the easiest thing to do is to give in to your pride. Yes, there is a big chance that you would grow apart but if you fight just as hard as your gf / bf does, then whatever happens, in the end, wala kang pagsisisihan. If you're worried that he / she might cheat on you, that's his / her problem, not yours. Masasaktan ka lang but the burden of ruining a relationship that could have been THE relationship, that's on him / her, not on you. Do your part and let them do theirs. But don't ever forget that you also have a life here. Hindi mo kailangan maging miserable dito para masabing mahal mo siya. Na kailangan iparamdam mo na magiging masaya ka lang kung magkasama kayo physically. A matured relationship does not work that way. If the two of you are grown ups, maiintindihan niyo na may kanya kanya din kayong buhay sa mga kanya kanya niyong lugar but that doesn't mean na hindi na kayo iisa ng mundo ng gf / bf mo. That's actually where the challenge lies, kung papaano niyo ipaparamdam sa isa't isa that you're still a huge part of each other's lives kahit may kanya kanya kayong inaabala ng magkahiwalay. While you're not yet together work on making yourself and your life at its best at sana ganun din siya para pag nagsama na kayo, di niyo na gugustuhin pang maghiwalay.

Just a tip. Wag na wag mo sasabihin yung mga salitang "sanay na ako" kasi once na masanay ka sa isang bagay, unconsciously hindi ka na mageeffort na baguhin yung sitwasyon. So kung masanay ka na long distance kayo, magsisimula ka ng makuntento sa ganyan. Sa tao ka dapat nakikipagrelasyon, hindi sa computer, hindi sa cellphone. So if you really want to work that out, don't get used to the distance para mas gawan niyo ng paraan na magsama ng totoo.

About cheating, kokonti lang ang may kaya ng LDR kasi yung karamihan may need talaga for physical intimacy pero para sakin depende sa tao yan. Pag mahal mo ang isang tao, effortless maging faithful kasi automatic response yan pag may temptation. Mas madali man magloko pag di kayo magkasama but when you know that you're in love with the right person, no matter how far you are from each other mas mangingibabaw na siya ang kailangan mo kesa sa kailangan mo ng may malalanding malapit sayo.

Carpe diem!

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Move On Move On Din Pag May Time

Photo from thecollegecrush.com

“Paano mo ba malalaman na nakamove on ka na?”

Seriously, ang hirap sagutin. Years ago when I didn’t know how to handle a badly bruised sense of self and a then-I-thought-irreparable heart, naghahanap ako ng checklist online, just in case lang naman may makita ako’t masabi ko din sa sarili ko na “Ok na ok na ko.”

Pwede ko sabihin sayo na nakamove on ka na pag hindi ka na umiiyak minu-minuto tuwing naaalala mo siya. O di kaya hindi na nasisira ang araw mo marinig mo lang yung theme song niyong dalawa. Pero sa totoo lang walang ibang makaka-identify niyan kundi ikaw lang. Kahit magsurvey ka pa sa lahat ng taong nasaktan na’t iniwan, iba iba tayo ng trip sa buhay so walang general rule or indication na magaapply sa lahat ng tao.

This is just my point of view. If asked again kung papaano ko nalalaman na nakamove on na ko…

Pag hindi na ko nasasaktan…

I take it one day at a time. I cry, then cry some more hanggang sa ako na mismo ang manawa. Sometimes you just have to survive one hurting day after another until you wake up and realize that your heart is no longer breaking. The moment you quit asking questions and embrace your brokenness, that’s when true healing begins.

When I realize that I’m no longer talking about it…

Not because I’m teaching myself to forget the past but simply because it no longer matters. Totoo namang masarap pag-usapan at nakakatulong magbitter-bitteran but at some point you just get tired of it and soon enough you’ll realize that it is already irrelevant.

When you lose all desire of taking control of everything…

Na hindi mo kayang kontrolin pag nakahanap na siya ng iba. That you have accepted the fact that it all happened for a reason. That though it doesn’t make any sense at the moment you just trust that the universe immersed you to all that shit so you could save yourself and grow. That yes, maybe what they say is true, you deserve someone better or perhaps… simpleng hindi lang talaga kayo para sa isa’t isa. Na kahit irewind mo pa sa isip mo, you can’t do anything to change the outcome. You know that saying about death na “pag oras mo, oras mo na”? The same thing applies in relationships. Wala kang mababago kahit anong gawin mo kasi kung talagang hanggang dun lang kayo, yun na yun.

Pag napatawad ko na yung nakasakit sakin…

As in with no BS, kaya ko na humarap sakanya ng hindi ko siya minumura sa isip ko. That though I admit I seek justice dahil sinaktan ako, the sincerity of wishing them happiness matters more.

Pag napatawad ko na sarili ko…

For the things I should and shouldn’t have done. For loving myself less. For hurting myself in the process.

When I start being excited about life again...

This tops it all, at least for me. I can say that I have moved on the moment I find myself smiling because I started hoping that what lies ahead is so much bigger than the pain I went through. That love will happen to me again, maybe not anytime soon but in God’s perfect time. That I may have lost one person but there are more people who chose to stay with me and the best part is that their love is more than enough to heal me.

Walang manual sa pagmomove on. Wala ding ultimatum na pag umabot na ng taon at hindi ka pa din buo eh ibig sabihin loser ka na. Pwedeng mabilis, pwedeng matagal, walang rules na dapat sundin. But what I have observed na common denominator ng mga taong nakakamove on… they make a conscious decision to take a step forward and kahit magrelapse, they get back up and refuse to get stuck.

Carpe diem!

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