When You’re Not the Right One

Photo from: soorinkimmm.wordpress.com

Tom: One day you don’t want to be somebody’s girlfriend and now you’re someone’s wife.

Summer: It just happened.

Tom: That’s what I don’t understand. What just happened?

Summer: I just woke up one day and I knew.

Tom: Knew what?

Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

I have watched “500 Days of Summer” once a long time ago and have watched it the second time at 3am this morning while taking a break from work (yes, still working in the wee hours of the morning)… and this scene. Dang it. Dagger in the heart. It had me thinking once again… what happens when you’re not the right one? I couldn’t have possibly answered this way back kasi hindi ko pa naeexperience yung intensity until my last relationship happened. Gets ko si Tom. Gets na gets.

Disclaimer. I might disclose a few details about my past but I assure na no bitterness, just realizations. ;)

In retrospect, I really thought we were happy. Maybe in some way, oo. Pero ngayon when I look back, narealize ko sarili ko lang pala nakita ko that time. Ako yung masaya, siya hindi na. I thought we were okay pero hindi ko nakita that there was something wrong kasi I was too preoccupied with the thought that I was okay and that I was happy with the relationship. I admit, at some point, talagang inisip ko na yun na yun, that it was the last relationship I will be in because I made the decision to stick with it no matter what kasi yun na yung gusto ko. Ang selfish pala. Hindi ko naisip na ako lang pala may gusto. Of course, I wouldn’t say naman na hindi ako minahal because I know that there was love. Really. There was. Naramdaman ko naman at sigurado ako na minahal niya ko but it wasn’t as strong as I thought. It wasn’t enough. While there I was thinking that I have found the right one, I was dead wrong that we will end up together kasi para pala sa kanya, hindi ako yung right one. Hindi siya sigurado.

For a time, I beat myself up thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me but I realized eventually na walang mali sakin. Wala ring mali sa kanya. May mga bagay lang talagang sadyang hindi pwedeng ipilit lalo na when it comes to love.

“This is the life I ordered.”

Sabi niya. Hindi ko siya narinig ng diretso pero nakarating siya sakin. I was hurt when I learned that the life my ex apparently wanted was one without me. That it seemed as if it was a big relief na nawala ako sa buhay niya and that’s what I did. Hindi ako nagparamdam for a long time and I never bothered asking people around kung kumusta siya kasi yun yung gusto niya, a life without me. It was frickin’ painful to remember pero ngayon mas lumawak ang isip ko tuwing naaalala ko kasi narealize ko na minsan kahit masakit sayo, may mga taong dadaan sa buhay mo na kahit gaano mo pa mahalin, they can never love you back with the same sincerity and intensity but that doesn’t mean na hindi nila sinubukan. Minsan nasa pag tanggap lang na may mga bagay at tao na kahit gaano mo pa kagusto, hindi talaga para sayo. Thinking about it now, I’m thankful that it happened kasi dun ko natutunan na pag nagmamahal ka, hindi pala sapat yung nagbibigay ka lang. Na minsan kailangan mo rin makinig hindi lang sa puso mo pero pati sa puso ng taong mahal mo kasi baka sa sobrang busy mo sa pagmamahal sa kanya, hindi mo nakikita na hindi pala ikaw ang kailangan niya.

I really feel blessed na nasubukan ko magmahal at masaktan and people may say that I am brave to even believe this pero hindi ako natatakot na maulit. Your heart grows whenever you get hurt and you can only give more the next time you fall in love. When I pray, madalas ko masabi na kung hindi man dumating yung panahon na magmahal ako ulit because maybe God wants me to spend a lifetime serving Him in other ways, I don’t regret a thing kasi naranasan ko magmahal at mahalin, and boy oh booooy… napakasarap ng feeling.

Kay ex…

Thank you. I’m a better person because of you. I pray that you get the kind of love that you have always wanted. Probably one that I wasn’t able to give you, but for sure yung taong nakalaan para sayo, maibibigay yun, sobra sobra pa. ;) It has been years but I do pray for your happiness everyday. You deserve it. :)

Sa lahat ng malamig daw ang Pasko…

You deserve to be with someone who’s passionately “in love” with you. Everyone deserves that. So please… please please please… don’t ever settle for anything less even if it means spending a few more Christmases alone kasi pag dumating siya, ang masasabi mo nalang “Buti nalang naghintay ako.” :)

I’ll pray for all kinds of heart – broken, empty, hopeful, happy – today before I sleep (goodness gracious, 7am na!) May God bless your heart!

Salamat Tom at Summer sa pagpapaalala sakin na walang forever… chos! Haha! Awesome movie. One for the books! ;)

Carpe diem!

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