What Breakups Teach You

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One friend asked me…

“Sa lahat ng breakups mo, ano natutunan mo?”

I wasn’t able to answer quickly. I just said “Give me time, tanungin mo ko ulit next time promise by then may sagot na ko.” So I contemplated for a whole night.

So here it is…

I learned na kahit ikaw pa ang pinakamatinong tao sa mundo, it won’t guarantee that the people around you will treat you the same. It doesn’t necessarily mean na masama silang tao, or that you are better than them. Sometimes people are just, I don’t know…people? They may be that way dahil sa upbringing, or meron silang pinagdadaanan na hindi mo alam, or mali ka lang talaga ng pagkakakilala sakanila, o sadyang ganun lang talaga sila. Kung ano pa man, the thing is hindi mo kailangan ianalyze and don’t let them change how you see the world.

Kailangan mo lang tanggapin na hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon makukuha mo yung klase ng pagtrato na inaasahan mo. Either you accept it and go along with it, or shun them and just walk away for your sanity’s sake.

I learned that forgiveness is always an option. Gusto ko magmura, gusto ko magalit, gusto ko magwala, the thing is hindi ko magawa. I woke up one day and just decided that I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I don’t want to take care of this certain darkness kasi natatakot ako that it might swallow my heart whole and the next thing I know hindi na ko marunong magmahal. Solution? Bitter pill to swallow pero isa lang… magpatawad. Forgive the person who crushed your heart and forgive yourself too. Ito yung pinakamahirap na kailangan kong gawin kasi sa totoo lang it’s easier to hate someone, pero yung magtanim ng sama ng loob… I know deep down that I’m not that kind of person and I won’t let painful incidents taint my character.

I learned na kahit gaano ka pa masaktan, the people around you who remained and made you feel valuable are more than enough to heal you. Na may mga taong dumating, dadating, at hindi mawawala sa buhay mo kasi tanggap nila at mahal nila lahat lahat sayo. I’m talking about your family and your friends. Those people na minsan naooverlook mo pero in your lowest point sila pa yung mga taong matitira't sasalo sayo.

I learned na kahit magmahal ka ng sobra sobra hindi ibig sabihin nun the person will love you back. Or they might but not in the way you expect them to. Not the same level of loyalty. Not the same degree of passion. But it’s not their fault. Whoever said that LOVE is easy? At sino din bang nagsabi na pagnagmahal ka hindi ka masasaktan? Iba ibang paraan ng pananakit, intentional o hindi, bottomline is pag nagmahal ka imposibleng hindi ka iiyak.

I learned na pag niloko ka, sinaktan o iniwan hindi ibig sabihin may mali sayo. It has a lot to do with who they are. Or minsan, they are the ones who changed everything for you but you are not the one who changed everything for them. Again, not your fault. Not theirs either. 99% of your relationships will fail. So the day na nagsimula kang pumasok sa relasyon dapat alam mo na yun. And that’s the beauty of life and love, the search for that 1%, kung sino man siya. Lucky are those who find theirs ng maaga. For some na hindi, you don’t have to find them. Ni hindi mo kailangan maghintay because whether you like it or not, your “the one” will happen. And your 1%? This time you are that person who will change everything for them and the day you realize na siya na yung tamang tao para sayo, it will all be clear na lahat ng natutunan mo pala, natutunan mo dahil dadating siya.

So am I happy? I would say hopeful. :)

Carpe diem!

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Parang Kayo (Pero "Parang" Lang)

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I noticed nowadays that there are so many people who opt to have this kind of relationship. May iba naman na hindi nila gusto ng ganito kalabong setup but because they are already emotionally invested, go nalang. Like what I always say, kanya kanyang trip yan. There are some people who prioritize convenience kaya they choose to settle for this. Oo nga naman, no breakup hassle. Pag ayaw mo na, hindi naman kayo, so anytime you want to bail, off you go. Other people naman would like to keep their options open. You get to enjoy the perks of being in a relationship without actually being in one.

Here’s my take.

Everything boils down to what you want. Yun lagi ang magdidikta kung saan ka pupunta at ano ang kaya at hindi mo kayang tanggapin. If you guys know what you’re getting into, pag pareho kayo na ok sa ganitong setup, kahit tumagal kayo ng dekada wala kayong dapat pag-usapan. The dilemma only starts when one of you begins to desire for something more.

The next few lines may give people the impression that I am a commitment freak but this is just how I see things. I CAN be in a pseudo-relationship but I DON’T WANT TO. I used to enjoy this when I was a bit younger but now, I learned how to value my time and how to focus on pursuing things that I want - nothing more, nothing less. When I date someone, I can easily identify whether we’re better off as friends or if there’s a potential. Pakilig, pabitin, I’m all for that. That’s the joy of dating right? Pero may hangganan yun. When I start liking someone, that’s when I gauge whether we want the same thing or not. If it’s the former, I will do everything to build something crazy beautiful with you. But if we’re not on the same boat, I won’t play your game. I know what I can give in a relationship, it’s either you take it or you don’t. For me, it’s either we’re friends or we’re something more, walang in between. If you can’t commit, then we’re friends. Being so, expect me to treat you just as a friend. No sweet nothings whatsoever.

Commitment means so much to me because when a person gives it to you, it means that they love and respect you enough to know that you deserve them COMPLETELY.

To one of my readers who asked me to write about this topic, thank you for sharing your story with me. Her situation… this one guy she’s in a pseudo-relationship with for two years, would drop her anytime, mawawala ng parang bula pag nagkaka-gf tapos pag nagkakalabuan sila biglang magpaparamdam ulit (pero di pa din magcocommit sakanya). Sorry to say this but that’s outright bastusan. I may not know him pero based sa kwento mo, ito lang yun: ayaw niya mabakante. How can he tell you that he loves you if he doesn’t even respect how you feel? Hindi ba parang nakakapagpaisip naman yun that he’s so willing to commit to other people but not to you?

Sometimes you have to reassess yourself too because what most of us forget is that we are the ones who tell other people how we should be treated. And this, sorry but it’s not love because when you really love someone you don’t treat her this way.

And to my other reader who’s in a pseudo-relationship with someone who’s committed…

My Friend… he’s cheating on his gf and you are an accessory to his crime. Respect his relationship. Yes, hindi kayo but that’s just a technicality. That’s considered an emotional affair. Let’s put it this way, if you have a bf, will it be okay with you kung may “friend” siya that he shares special feelings with? Kung sasabihin mo sakin na ok lang sayo, maiintindihan kita if you will tolerate this. But if you yourself can’t take this kind of setup kung ikaw yung nasa posisyon ng gf niya, then make it clear both to yourself and your object of affection that you can’t be more than friends unless he becomes single.

Walang scarcity ng lalaki o babae sa mundo. Sometimes the problem with people is that they don’t have the patience to wait and the courage to fight for what they think they truly deserve. I believe that there’s always somebody for someone so don’t ever be worried na wala ng dadating na mas kayang ibigay sayo kung ano yung dapat. Ang atensyon at pagmamahal hindi dapat nililimos o ipinagmamakaawa. If you ever find yourself in this situation, STOP. THINK. WALK AWAY.

Carpe diem!

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Please Be Kind To Yourself

May nasermunan akong kaibigan. (Love you H! Hope I didn't ruin your night.) Sharing parts of our conversation just in case may ibang taong makinabang sa naging usapan namin. :)

Carpe diem!

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Bago Mo Paikutin Mundo Mo Sakanya

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I had an amazing conversation with a new friend last weekend. I found myself listening to her in awe. I was blown away with the fact that I saw my 23-year old self in her. Madaming aspirations, ang daming gusto mangyari sa buhay, ang taas ng ambisyon. One question dawned into me during my "me" time though... Anong nangyari sakin?

I'm speaking only based on my experience but I would like to share this because I know somehow, somewhere, may mga makakarelate. Don't get me wrong. Hindi ako patapon. I'm very much in love with my life right now but before I got to where I am, ang dami ko sinayang na pagkakataon, ang dami kong tinapon na oras. Bakit? One word... LOVE.

This is not a bitter story. I blame no one other than myself because trust me... ANG LAKAS MAKADISKARIL NG BUHAY PAG MALI ANG KONSEPTO MO SA SALITANG "PAGMAMAHAL". I'm not only talking about love for a partner, I'm talking about love in general which encompasses yung pagmamahal sa pamilya, sa kaibigan, at sa kung sino sino pa. Na akala mo pag mas mahal mo sila mas magiging masaya ka. Tipong kakalimutan mo sarili mo maaccommodate mo lang yung mga gusto nila. Na bibitawan mo pati pangarap mo dahil gusto mo sa lahat kasama sila. The sad part? Lahat 'to mangyayari without you even knowing it. Marerealize mo nalang pag may magpaalala sayo kung sino ka talaga before you decided to put your life on hold so you could build a future with someone else.

Sa mga walang tinitira sa sarili...

I get you. I've been there. But believe me... Kaya mo mahalin ng totoo ang sarili mo at ibang tao ng sabay. Do not submit yourself completely because love doesn't work that way. Try your best to be conscious about your decisions and how you balance everything because what most people fail to realize is that kung ikaw mismo nakukulangan sa sarili mo, eventually magiging kulang ka din para sa mga taong mahal mo.

Sa mga minamahal ng mga taong walang tinitira para sa sarili...

If you really love them, don't take pride or joy in seeing them na pinapaikot ang mundo nila sayo. It's not everyday that you get to meet people who could love that way. They are giving you a part of them that you can break so as much as you can, alagaan mo yung puso nila. Wag mo hayaan na idefine niya ang sarili niya sa kung anuman ang meron kayo. Don't let them lose sight of their identity. Support them, encourage them, love them. Hayaan mo sila mangarap. Inspire them to grow and become better. Sa isang taong totoong nagmamahal, you will find it in your heart to feel pure joy whenever you see them fulfilled and genuinely happy.

Best relationship? Two people who are good on their own but choose to stay with each other because they know they're better together.

Carpe diem!

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Getting Over An Ex

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Lahat ng tao may kanya kanyang paraan kung papano mag-move on. There are some people na kahit saglit palang nakakasama yung tao, inaabot ng taon bago tumigil kakaiyak. May iba naman na kahit inabot na ng dekada yung relasyon, in less than a month nakakatawa na akala mo wala lang nangyari.

Let me tell you this... It doesn't matter who broke up with who. Sana wag gawing kumpetisyon ng mga tao kung sino ang mas nasaktan o sino ang naunang makaget over kasi sa kahit na anong break up, pareho kayong talo. Pilit mo mang ideny yan sa sarili mo pero in some way, nasaktan ka din. Hindi basehan ang tagal at gabaldeng luha para masukat kung gaano mo kamahal ang isang tao. I never thought it's even possible to have loved someone with your entire being but you feel as if insufficient amount of tears were shed when this person walked away. Na hindi mo mapilit sarili mong umiyak hindi dahil hindi ka nasasaktan but because you are too numb to even cry.

So again, how do you get over someone?

Sometimes the answer to this question lies on how you were when you were together. If you treated them well, if you were at your best during your time, if you loved them (as in “love” in its truest meaning) when they were still around. In my past relationships, I have realized that moving on was hardest when you know na ikaw yung nakasakit or when you know na ikaw ang nagkulang. That perhaps during the time that you guys were still together and when you had the chance, you did not treat them well because you thought you will never lose them. Kasi pag natapos na lahat, hindi lang guilt ang mararamdaman mo, pati regret. But when you know that you have done everything to keep them happy and that you have given so much of yourself to make them feel loved, when they walk away walang regret, walang guilt. Just pain… pain na kayang gamutin ng panahon.

I can give you tips and what not kung papano makamove on like i-unfriend ang ex mo sa Facebook, idelete ang number niya sa phone mo, avoid contact, etc. but these things cannot be done easily kung deep down may urge ka din na makita o marinig siya, or maybe do anything to get their attention in an attempt to pull them back. I don’t know if this will work for other people but to get over someone in a healthy way, make sure na in each relationship that you get yourself into mahalin mo siya ng totoo. Na kahit kayo pa, imagining them walking away from you alam mo sa sarili mo na wala kang pagsisisihan. Mas madaling tanggapin na hindi lang talaga kayo para sa isa’t isa kesa lunukin yung idea na iniwan ka dahil nakasakit ka.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – ang pinakagasgas na breakup line pero minsan ito yung pinakatotoo. Marinig mo man ‘to sakanya o hindi, kung alam mong ginawa mo lahat, tama siya. Kung hindi siya makuntento, kung hindi niya mahanap yung gusto niya sayo, simple lang… wala sayo ang problema, nasa kanya. In other words, dead end.

If you’re one of the million people in the world crying right now because of a broken heart, hear me when I say this… Embrace the pain because this won’t last long. Hold your hope that one day when your heart heals, it will be in its strongest. Na may dumating mang iba na maaring iwan ka ulit, sa susunod iiyak ka but you won’t ever be this shattered again. For now, suck it up, take it one day at a time because nakakabadtrip man tong pakinggan pero trust me, everything will be fine.

Carpe diem!

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Ex and Second Chances

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If asked what’s my take on second chances (or third, fourth, etc)…

Na-blog ko na ‘to in the past and I would say na kung ano yung nasabi ko in 2008, I still believe in the same thing. Naniniwala ba ko sa second chances? It depends. True, everyone deserves a second chance pero depende naman yan sa nature ng hiwalayan niyo.

Sa mga break-bati, break-bati…

I have met a lot of couples like this. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against this. Bahala kayo kung anong trip niyo. But if I will be asked kung gawain ko ‘to, NO. I take the word “break” seriously. Ayoko siya maging laro o panakot, o something na gagawin ko para lang may thrill. This thing, I find it somewhat pang-high school (sorry, no pun intended). Opinyon ko lang naman. Konting away, break. Mababaw na pinagtalunan, break. Walang kabagay-bagay na kinairitahan sa isa’t isa, break. Tapos pag malamig na ulo… makikipagbalikan. If you are in a mature relationship, you will value each other’s feelings and you will respect your relationship enough to not break it off ng dahil lang sa isang bagay na hindi mo pinag-isipan. If you will make it a habit, mawawalan na ng sense ang salitang “break” sa inyo. Why I take it seriously? Here’s why.

Everytime you break up with someone, it’s you telling your partner “I can’t handle you and your imperfections.”

Everytime you break up with someone, it’s you telling your partner “I can drop you just like that but I can pull you back anytime I want.”

And every single time you break up is a wound you inflict on your relationship. Then you get numb. And when you get numb, before you know it mawawalan na ng halaga kung anuman meron kayo.

When couples fight, it doesn’t really matter whether nagsisigawan kayo o nagpapalipas muna kayo ng sama ng loob before you discuss what just happened, but if you really want to take care of your relationship, breaking up should never be an option unless seryoso ka. In the beginning of a relationship I always make that clear. A break up should be a process and a one-time thing. It is a process in the sense na pinagdedesisyunan yan at pinag-iisipan. And it is a one-time thing because once you cast the word, there’s no going back. Hindi naman sa ma-pride pero para sakin, “break na tayo” is equivalent to “ayoko na”. So when you say it, dapat sigurado ka. Isang beses lang ako magtatanong kung desidido ka and when I hear a “yes”, that’s it. And if you are this kind of person, you let your partner know that you want someone who respects you and your relationship, period.

If you will take your ex back…

Embrace the idea that whatever it is na nagawa nila to make you walk away, they could do it again. BUT… wag kang praning. If you give someone a second chance, it also means na with all sincerity bibigyan mo siya ng pagkakataon to gain your trust back. Stop bringing up past mistakes because if you will keep on taking it against your ex and use it as a bullet para may maisumbat tuwing mag-aaway kayo, eh tigilan mo na yan. Naglolokohan lang kayo. Remember, there’s no such thing as “getting things back to how it was before”, only “starting over”. So if you can’t let the past go and begin a new leaf with your ex, just call it quits. For real.

If you’re sure as hell that you won’t take your ex back…

Tama na yung “para pa ding kayo pero hindi na kayo” setup. Imbis na nagsasayang ka ng oras kaka-urong sulong because of this so called “attachment”, be fair both to your ex and yourself. Just say it straight and MEAN IT.

Why I rarely go back to my exes…

When I’m in a relationship, I commit myself to it. And I mean “commit” in its truest meaning. I will do everything I can to make the relationship work and giving up is not exactly in my nature. That’s why I’m very careful sa taong pinipili ko because I don’t do relationships just for the sake of being in one. But once I say “I’m done”, it only means that I have done all things possible pero talagang hindi na pwede ipilit otherwise we’ll end up hating each other. There’s no bitterness in that. It’s just that I’d rather start with someone new than go back to an ex and deal with the same issues ng paulit ulit. Sometimes you have to know when something is over and when it is, pull the curtain down, drop the bitterness, move forward and wag ka ng lilingon. Trust me, you will thank yourself later on.

Carpe diem!

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The Real Girl X

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Someone who's really dear to me wrote something this morning and as I was reading it, I didn't expect happy tears to stream down my face. To think na hindi naman ako ganun kaiyakin. Nabasa daw niya yung blog ko about who Abciddy really is kaya niya naisip isulat 'to. To you, maraming maraming salamat. Natunaw ang puso ko dito. Seryoso :')

Sino nga ba si Abciddy sa mata ng isang taong totoong nakakakilala sakanya? :)

--

Tanda nyo nung panahon ng Friendster? There's this thing called testimonial? It was used to supplement your profile or about me. Back then, people were writing this on your profile to let your other friends know what kind of a person you are. Nawalan na lang ng saysay nung naglaon.

Anyway, i am not writing to discuss about Friendster. Baka nga kinder pa karamihan sa magbabasa nito nung nauso yun. My point is, I want to write something like that for Abciddy. But since i dont have a blog to post it, binigay ko na lang sa kanya.

Sino nga ba si Abciddy? Or Anong klaseng tao si Abciddy???

I can't answer the first one kasi kahit alam ko ang buong pangalan nya, sa sitwasyon ng buhay karera nya, mas bagay na syang tawaging Abciddy at hindi kung ano pa man. Ni totoong pangalan nya hindi na bagay sa kanya. Definitely I can spill the latter and this is my way of telling you na maswerte ako na kilala ko sya.

I know she already wrote something about herself but I think that was not enough for her readers including myself.

These are some of the many things I know about her that i'd be gladly sharing with you.

1. Girl X
Sya ang original na Girl X.

A friend used to dedicate blog posts from QWERTY (her past penname). Manghang mangha ako kung paano sya magsulat at mag-isip. Parang kahit complicated na, pag sya na nagpaliwanag, ang dali lang pala. Sabi ko, kailangan ko makilala 'tong taong 'to. But where could I find her? Kahit itype ko sa google yung QWERTY, kahit isa walang hit.

Pero ewan ko ba naman kung paano kami pinaglaruan ng tadhana, nakilala ko sya. I told her about QWERTY and my want to meet her. Ka swerte ko namang nilalang, nasa harapan ko na pala.

2. Tambay ng coffee shop
Since I got to know Abciddy, bukangbibig nya na yung pangarap nyang coffeeshop. May pangalan na nga e, may design na din. Alam na din nya kung san nya itatayo.

If you want to stalk Abciddy, here's a clue where you could find her most of the time. It's a coffee shop in Quezon City that was once seen in a movie. She could stay there from morning to have breakfast until late night after party.

3. Mahilig sa ice cream
Sya ang original na mahilig sa ice cream. Like Zander, yun din ang comfort food nya.

4. Lantern
Remember the 11/11/11 event in Mercato? Dapat pupunta kami dun e. Kilig na kilig sya sa excitement kasi naiimagine nya na yung kagaya sa movie na Tangled. Because of safety reasons, hindi natuloy yung mismong event so we ended up lighting our own. Mas maliwanag pa ngiti nya sa mga lanterns. Naiimagine nyo ba? :)

5. Simple
Unlike Zander, wala syang pakialam sa suot nya. Deadma sa brand, deadma na sa fashion. Pero hindi ibig sabihin nun dugyot sya manamit. She's more like Jill. Simple lang tsaka yung comfortable. Shirt, jeans and sneakers konting spray ng perfume, gora na!

6. Mahaba magtext
Siguro kasi writer sya kaya most of the time tanungin mo sya, ang sagot nya sayo mala 3 links. Example, Q: "Kumain ka na?" A: "Yup. Kasabay ko sila mommy. Nagluto kasi sya ng paborito kong kare-kare. Medyo late nga lang kasi ang tagal palambutin ng karne tsaka hinintay pa si daddy para sabay sabay na kami. Ending hindi naman pala sya dito magdidinner."

Ganong level!

And unlike Zander, hindi sya jeje magtext. Buong buo. Complete with punctuation marks and correct capitalization.

7. Friendly
Huli na siguro 'to. Kasi kabaliktaran ako nung number 6 e. :)

Wala syang masamang tinapay sa tao. She doesn't judge. Kahit sabihin mong masama ugali ni ganito ni ganyan, hahanapan pa din nya ng maganda sa kanila.

This is the reason kung bakit lahat ng kaibigan ko kaibigan na din nya.

I hope one day, you guys get to know her personally too. She's more than a writer. She's a lecturer. Unconsciously, she moves people's lives and plays with their emotions through writing. Tama nga sya nung sinabi nya na her works are more important than who the real Abciddy is. May you be inspired to live and love everytime you read her words. You are a huge part of her motivation to write more and better.

Until here,

-The Original Jill

(JK. Just kidding o initials ng name nya?) :p

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