It’s 2:44 in the morning. A friend kept on asking me on Facebook why I’m still up. As always, napag-isip na naman ako. Lately I’ve been coming home after a day of work and everything else at sobrang latang-lata ako sa pagod pero gaya nga ng sabi ko sa social media the other day “that kind of busy na nakaka-happy”. Hindi ko mapigilang makatulog and it usually lasts for a few hours then for some reason, between 2am-3am nagigising ako. Kung kailan tahimik ang paligid at tulog ang mundo, bigla ko lang masasabi “Lord, nanggigising Ka noh?” Though I get random moments wherein I worship Him and grab stolen chances of having short conversations, I know He is trying to tell me something.
The past few weeks I’ve been having this odd feeling. Sabi ko nga sa kaibigan ko, hindi ko maintindihan and I can’t even identify if it’s a good feeling or maybe it’s something bad, basta ang alam ko may certain intensity at nababother ako. I can’t figure it out and I couldn’t tell people about it. Sa mga nakakakilala sakin, alam nila yan na madaldal lang ako pero bihira ako lumapit at magkwento ng mga personal na bagay. Most of the time, I just pray for it. The only person I talk to pag may mga bagay na hindi ko na kayang kimkimin, well, he’s already with Him. Lately dumadami mga kaibigan ko na mas matatanda sa akin and by age difference eh talagang siksik na sa wisdom so I decided to talk to one of them. Hindi ko makalimutan yung sinabi niya and here’s what he said:
Sleep on it. Let the Holy Spirit come to you, huwag mong habulin. Just be patient and sensitive sa mga nangyayari sa paligid mo kasi minsan, nandyan na yung message, hindi mo lang mahanap kasi yung focus mo nandun sa literal. Gusto mo kasi isasalampak sa harap mo yung sagot pero minsan kasi nandyan lang eh, di mo lang napapansin because you expect the answer to be in an obvious form.
Pinag-isipan ko ng maigi and I have been discerning and praying a lot until today happened. At yun ang amazing para sa’kin kasi yung epiphany, nangyari nang walang espesyal na okasyon and God revealed His message to me in a very simple form – ilaw. When my mentor opened this bright light kanina during our class, medyo madilim sa paligid at ang naiilawan lang yung mga taong nandun. I was taking a photo of the class when God's message dawned into me…
“You are in the right place and these are the kind of people I want you to be with.”
I was almost drowning in self-doubt and I couldn’t stop second guessing myself. Perhaps, nasa nature ko na yun kasi as much as I take risks (I can’t even count kung ilang beses na ‘kong tumalon at sumemplang), nandun pa rin yung pagiging segurista ko.
Tama ba ‘to? Baka mali ‘tong ginagawa ko? Dito ba ko dapat? O dun na lang ako sa safe, dun sa kalkulado? Kaso what if ganito? What if ganyan?
It goes on and on in my head and there are times that I couldn’t handle the voices anymore so I just shut the whole thing out. Then it happened. Finally.
On my way home, I was praying. I can’t help but thank God for reassuring me that as long as He is with me, as long as hindi ako bumibitaw sa Kanya, nothing will ever go wrong. Hindi ko na napansin yung traffic because I was reflecting the whole time. Ibang iba yung mundo ko ngayon. Nakakapanibago pero nakaka-excite. I am so thankful na nililinis Niya yung daan para sakin. As I continuously pray for how many months, di ko napansin na may mga tinanggal Siyang tao at bagay sa buhay ko and I can’t thank Him enough that the people who remained in my arm’s length are those who I know will never take advantage of me. He revealed to me the people who I should trust and whose hearts will be vital in the days to come dahil yung mga pusong yun ang patuloy na magpapaalala sakin that He loves me and that I am not alone. Marami rin Siyang dinagdag sa buhay ko na hindi ko laging naaappreciate kasi akala ko dadaan lang, but I realized eventually that these are the people who I would want to keep not just because I have seen their kind hearts but because hanggat nandito sila, hindi ako mawawala.
God is preparing me for something. I can feel it. I don’t know kung ano specifically and I don’t want to know, at least not until He’s ready to reveal it to me but I am beyond grateful because He answered my prayer by sending me the right people to walk this journey with.
I felt this need to share how God unceasingly manifests His love and greatness to me because I know 100% that He will work wonders in your life too only if you have a willing heart. I am a work in progress and there are so many things in me that need a lot of tweaking but all my worries have been washed out because I know for a fact na hinding hindi Niya ko pababayaan.
Let me end this entry with this. This is something that a good friend told me and it really hit a spot…
You know that God is at work in your life when you start doing things na akala mo imposible at hindi mo kayang gawin. Those things na iniisip mo noon na hindi para sayo kahit gustong gusto mo pero opportunities na hindi mo plinano o hinanap ang hihila sayo, pabalik-balik, paulit-ulit. And when that happens, don’t fight it. Hold that faith in your heart na nilagay ka diyan for a reason and whatever that is, it is for His purpose. Make Him happy. Fulfill it.