Tuesday, December 15, 2015

When You’re Not the Right One

Photo from: soorinkimmm.wordpress.com


Tom: One day you don’t want to be somebody’s girlfriend and now you’re someone’s wife.
Summer: It just happened.
Tom: That’s what I don’t understand. What just happened?
Summer: I just woke up one day and I knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

I have watched “500 Days of Summer” once a long time ago and have watched it the second time at 3am this morning while taking a break from work (yes, still working in the wee hours of the morning)… and this scene. Dang it. Dagger in the heart. It had me thinking once again… what happens when you’re not the right one? I couldn’t have possibly answered this way back kasi hindi ko pa naeexperience yung intensity until my last relationship happened. Gets ko si Tom. Gets na gets.

Disclaimer. I might disclose a few details about my past but I assure na no bitterness, just realizations. ;)

In retrospect, I really thought we were happy. Maybe in some way, oo. Pero ngayon when I look back, narealize ko sarili ko lang pala nakita ko that time. Ako yung masaya, siya hindi na. I thought we were okay pero hindi ko nakita that there was something wrong kasi I was too preoccupied with the thought that I was okay and that I was happy with the relationship. I admit, at some point, talagang inisip ko na yun na yun, that it was the last relationship I will be in because I made the decision to stick with it no matter what kasi yun na yung gusto ko. Ang selfish pala. Hindi ko naisip na ako lang pala may gusto. Of course, I wouldn’t say naman na hindi ako minahal because I know that there was love. Really. There was. Naramdaman ko naman at sigurado ako na minahal niya ko but it wasn’t as strong as I thought. It wasn’t enough. While there I was thinking that I have found the right one, I was dead wrong that we will end up together kasi para pala sa kanya, hindi ako yung right one. Hindi siya sigurado.

For a time, I beat myself up thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me but I realized eventually na walang mali sakin. Wala ring mali sa kanya. May mga bagay lang talagang sadyang hindi pwedeng ipilit lalo na when it comes to love.

“This is the life I ordered.”

Sabi niya. Hindi ko siya narinig ng diretso pero nakarating siya sakin. I was hurt when I learned that the life my ex apparently wanted was one without me. That it seemed as if it was a big relief na nawala ako sa buhay niya and that’s what I did. Hindi ako nagparamdam for a long time and I never bothered asking people around kung kumusta siya kasi yun yung gusto niya, a life without me. It was frickin’ painful to remember pero ngayon mas lumawak ang isip ko tuwing naaalala ko kasi narealize ko na minsan kahit masakit sayo, may mga taong dadaan sa buhay mo na kahit gaano mo pa mahalin, they can never love you back with the same sincerity and intensity but that doesn’t mean na hindi nila sinubukan. Minsan nasa pag tanggap lang na may mga bagay at tao na kahit gaano mo pa kagusto, hindi talaga para sayo. Thinking about it now, I’m thankful that it happened kasi dun ko natutunan na pag nagmamahal ka, hindi pala sapat yung nagbibigay ka lang. Na minsan kailangan mo rin makinig hindi lang sa puso mo pero pati sa puso ng taong mahal mo kasi baka sa sobrang busy mo sa pagmamahal sa kanya, hindi mo nakikita na hindi pala ikaw ang kailangan niya.

I really feel blessed na nasubukan ko magmahal at masaktan and people may say that I am brave to even believe this pero hindi ako natatakot na maulit. Your heart grows whenever you get hurt and you can only give more the next time you fall in love. When I pray, madalas ko masabi na kung hindi man dumating yung panahon na magmahal ako ulit because maybe God wants me to spend a lifetime serving Him in other ways, I don’t regret a thing kasi naranasan ko magmahal at mahalin, and boy oh booooy… napakasarap ng feeling.

Kay ex…

Thank you. I’m a better person because of you. I pray that you get the kind of love that you have always wanted. Probably one that I wasn’t able to give you, but for sure yung taong nakalaan para sayo, maibibigay yun, sobra sobra pa. ;) It has been years but I do pray for your happiness everyday. You deserve it. :)

Sa lahat ng malamig daw ang Pasko…

You deserve to be with someone who’s passionately “in love” with you. Everyone deserves that. So please… please please please… don’t ever settle for anything less even if it means spending a few more Christmases alone kasi pag dumating siya, ang masasabi mo nalang “Buti nalang naghintay ako.” :)

I’ll pray for all kinds of heart – broken, empty, hopeful, happy – today before I sleep (goodness gracious, 7am na!) May God bless your heart!

Salamat Tom at Summer sa pagpapaalala sakin na walang forever… chos! Haha! Awesome movie. One for the books! ;)

Carpe diem!

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Friday, November 27, 2015

Siya: Pa-fall. Ikaw: Pa-victim.





Title palang aray na diba? Hmm. I heard a story of someone I know na medyo konek sa topic na ‘to so naisip ko na ding i-blog. Mahirap kimkimin. Haha!

If you ask me bakit may mga taong pa-fall, dalawang rason lang naiisip ko...

1. Ego boost
2. Ego boost

O sige… lagyan pa natin ng pangatlo…

3. Ego boost

Yun lang yun.

I don’t mean to offend anyone. Sorry sa mga matatamaan. This is just my take. Disclaimer lang, opinyon ko lang ‘to. Peace tayo!

Going back… ang pagiging pa-fall ay hindi lang naman sa lalaki dahil may mga kilala din akong mga babae na paasa. Both for men and women… yun bang sweet-sweetan, caring daw at thoughtful, minsan bumoborder na sa pagiging clingy at flirty pero once makaramdam na nahuhulog na yung isa, biglang kabig. Bakit nga ba ganun sila? Simple lang naman. They love the attention. They get something from it that perhaps fill a certain void na hindi nila makuha elsewhere. Ang sarap nga naman kasi talaga ng pakiramdam pag may nagbibigay ng atensyon sayo. Eh ang kaso, yun lang naman talaga habol… atensyon. So when they feel na medyo nagiging seryoso na, biglang back off kasi alam nila na hindi nila yun mapapanindigan.

“Wag magseryoso sa taong nakikipaglaro at wag makipaglaro sa taong nagseseryoso.”

Sa mga pa-victim…

Kung first time mo maka-experience, o ayan na teh. Learn from it. Sa susunod, mag-iingat na. Hindi dahil sweet, hindi dahil “parang” gusto ka, ibig sabihin bibigay ka na. Ang tao pag talagang gusto ka at talagang mahal ka, hindi paglalaruan ang isip at puso mo. Kung gusto ka, paninindigan ka. Hindi ka gagawing manghuhula at mas lalong hindi parang makikipagsayaw sayo ng cha-cha, urong sulong. Matuto ka bumasa ng kilos dahil ang sincerity mahirap i-fake. Tigilan yang “benefit of the doubt” at “baka naman…” A person may truly care for you gaya ng pinapakita ng pa-yummy mong ka-thing pero alamin mo din kung ano ba talaga gusto mo. If you want a decent relationship, stop participating in whatever game he/she is playing kasi hanggat alam niyang kayang kaya ka niyang hilahin pabalik, you’ll just fall in a vicious cycle. Kung minsan ka ng iniwan sa ere, stop hoping na mababago pa yun kasi sa totoo lang, yang thought na yan, diyan nadadale ang mga taong pinapaasa lang sa wala. Wag ka mag-aksaya ng oras at feelings. Kung ano ang outcome noon, trust me, ganun pa rin yan ngayon.

Sa mga pa-fall…

Ang pag-ibig ay hindi isang sport na pag gusto mong gumaling, hahanap ka ng kalarong mapagpapraktisan. Kung ayaw mo ng seryosohan, siguraduhin mong pareho kayo bago ka makipaglandian. Puso yan friend! Masaya lang yan sa umpisa pero pag nakakasakit ka na, kabahan ka sa karma. ;)


Carpe diem!

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Sunday, November 1, 2015

Fall... Again... Or Not...

Photo from: www.pinterest.com

Hardest thing I had to endure in the past week – remembering how I once felt for someone. It was straight out confusing. Ito lang ha… hindi dahil writer ako ibig sabihin na eksperto ako sa larangan ng pag-ibig. Hindi dahil nakakapag-blog ako na para bang napakarami kong alam eh ibig sabihin na nauunawaan na ng puso ko lahat. So let me be a bit vulnerable tonight…

I know some of you have gone through something like this. Yun bang parang akala mo limot na ng puso mo pero magigising ka isang araw everything just came rushing back. Natatawa ako sa totoo lang kasi diba pag ganito dapat naiinis ka, bothered, di mapakali? I felt… weird?

One night, I decided to just lie down and remember everything. I placed my hand on my chest and tried to feel my heartbeat. When I opened my eyes, I found myself smiling. Ang sarap pala marealize na kahit nasaktan ka ng sobra ng isang tao, yung sobrang pagmamahal mo sa kanya noon was more than enough to put your heart back together. Walang bitterness. Walang regret. Nawala yung pain, ang natira yung magagandang memories dahil yun yung pinili ng puso mo na maalala.

Going back sa first sentence ng blog ko… “hardest thing”. Bakit nga ba “hardest thing”? Siguro dahil nung una hindi ko alam kung ano gagawin ko. Will I allow myself to keep feeling this way? Should I just dust it off and pretend na wala lang ‘to? And I did the best thing… I prayed. Surprisingly, I got my answer right away. (That’s how great God is.)

I don’t know if I started feeling this way dahil… naman… 2 years na kong single, may karapatan naman siguro akong mamiss how it is to fall in love.  Dun yata ako naconfuse. I needed to know if it is just “longing” that I feel o totoo na ‘to.

Minsan may mga bagay na para mas makita mo ng maayos kailangan mo lumayo so you could see the larger view. If it fits… if it is according to what your heart really wants… if it is how God wants your life to be. And that’s what I am doing now I guess. I submit this to Him and trust that I am doing the right thing. That if what I feel is real, He’ll bring us back together. By then I would know na may blessing na Niya and that He wants this for me. But if not, I know for sure that better things are coming ahead. (It feels so good that God, finally, is in control.)

Minsan may nagtanong sakin:

“Paano mo malalaman kung tama yung desisyon mo?”

Now I can answer that because that’s exactly how I feel… AT PEACE. When you find peace in your heart, you know you made the right call.


Carpe diem!

Sunday Realization - If You're a Dreamer

A friend of mine brought my book when she went to England last month. A few days back, she asked me if it's okay if she'll give it as a gift to a Filipina who works as a room keeper in the hotel she stayed at kasi gusto daw hiramin yung Project Ex. Hindi ako nakaramdam ng pagtatampo dahil may narealize ako. If it will make her happy and feel closer to home, bakit ipagdadamot? To my friend, I appreciate what you did. Really. Thank you because you made me realize something na tantya ko eh bibitbitin ko for life.

Minsan may mga bagay pala na ginagawa mo para sa Diyos at minsan para sa sarili mo na hindi mo napapansin nakakaapekto na pala sa ibang tao. I don't want people to pay so much attention on the name at the cover of my book that's why I was confused for a time kung pen name nalang ipapalagay ko o buong pangalan ko pa. Like what I always say to my readers nung hindi pa nila ako kilala, yung content at kung ano ang naramdaman nila ang mahalaga. One of my friends told me though that fulfilled dreams are your legacy and in my case, the cover of my book is like an epitaph so my real name deserves to be engraved there. Now I realize na kung may "legacy" nga akong iiwanan kahit sa kokonting tao lang, ito yun. I never really thought that it would go a long way. I'm not trying to change somebody else's world, I was just trying to change mine. Now I realized that God gave me a gift na akala ko wala lang but as it turned out, my words became other people's escape. With this, there's a sudden urge to be more diligent and more committed in what I do.

To my fellow dreamers, embrace your purpose. When you know in your heart that it is what God wants you to do, wag mong labanan. Do everything you can to nurture that gift kasi minsan akala mo para sayo lang pero ang totoo, it's way bigger than you. Use it to extend God's blessings to other people. Prove to Him that He made the right call na sayo Niya binigay 'to. Sa lahat ng ginagawa mo, simple man o hindi, give it your 100%. Sabi nga ng speaker sa isang service na napanood ko:

"You can be a straight A student without giving your 100% but being on top is not what will make God happy. Kahit hindi ikaw ang "the best", as long as you give it your all and that you do it for His purpose, you will give Him joy."


To Ms. Jie, hope you enjoyed the book. Sana kahit paano naibsan ang homesickness mo. I'll pray for you. :)

Have a blessed Sunday everyone!

Carpe diem!

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Na-inlove Ka Na Ba Sa Taong Hindi In Love Sa’yo?




“Paano pag na inlove ka sa taong hindi naman inlove sayo?”

Naku po. Isa sa mga tanong na noon pa man hirap na hirap na ko sagutin. Iba iba kasi ang tao eh. Pero naniniwala ako na lahat tayo, at some point, mararanasan ‘to. May iba na hindi na hinahayaan lumalim yung feelings nila kasi alam na nilang waley, pero may iba na sadyang hindi mapigilan kaya ang ending… nasasaktan.

Opinyon ko lang ‘to ha? I’m not claiming to know better about these things but this is my take.
Kung ibabase ko sa sarili kong experience, iba kasi ako. When I start to like someone, ginegauge ko kung “crush” lang ba o may potential. Kung crush lang, it doesn’t worry me kasi ang crush, para sa akin, is just admiration. Most of the time pag nagkakacrush ako nawawala din agad. Ganun yata talaga ka-iksi ang attention span ko. But when I see a potential, proseso yan. Hindi ako basta basta bumibigay. Hindi naman dahil segurista ako o ano pero I don’t really like wasting my time so if I see that it will just get me nowhere, ako na nagkukusang gumawa ng paraan so my feelings would mellow. I self-talk. A lot. I don’t know if it works on other people but it works for me.

Other options…

Option 1: Tell him how you feel.

This is a gamble, my dear friend.

Advantage: Nasabi mo feelings mo. Wala kang what if’s. Plus… who knows, he might feel the same way about you.

Disadvantage: If the person doesn’t feel the same way, hoooo! Medyo masakit yun. But be proud of yourself dahil aside sa nagpakatotoo ka, you’re a warrior! Admitting your true feelings for someone is never a bad thing. Depende lang yan sa taong gagawa, kung ano inaasahan mo, and how you will react after. If you are friends with this person, yes, there’s a risk of you losing him and that’s one thing that you really have to think about. Ano ba mas importante sayo? Yung masabi mo feelings mo o ma-save yung pagkakaibigan niyo? Whatever your decision is at kung itutuloy mo pa rin sabihin, wag mo pagsisihan kasi as much as may down side siya, I’m sure may matututunan ka.

Option 2: Don’t tell him.

In other words, kimkimin mo nalang.

Advantage: Safe at hindi ka masasaktan.

Disadvantage: Those thoughts of “what if ganito, what if ganyan?” meeeehn… it kills, but not literally. You can talk yourself out of it though lalo na pag hindi pa naman sobrang lalim ng nararamdaman mo. Pero pag malalim na……

Loving someone is like taking care of a plant. For it to grow, you have to water it constantly. Pag hindi ninurture, tumagal man buhay niyan, malalanta pa rin. And unrequited love? When you don’t get anything in return? Trust me, it will die naturally kasi tao tayo. At ang tao, at some point, mangangailangan ng pagmamahal. Yung hindi lang ikaw ang nagbibigay. Yung may matatanggap ka din kahit papano. Wag natin isali ang unconditional love dito kasi ginagamit yan sa ibang context. Pag mahal mo ang isang tao at hindi ka niya mahal, hindi ko sinusuggest na maghintay ka na mahalin ka din niya one day kasi no one deserves that. Kung totoong para kayo sa isa’t isa, dapat swak. Kaya nga diba swerte pag mahal ka ng taong mahal mo? Kasi hindi yan laging nangyayari. At kung dumating yung panahon na matapat ka sa taong hindi kayang suklian yung ibibigay mo, wag ka magalit sakanya dahil sigurado ako, ayaw niya din makasakit. (Unless nalang pa-fall yan at paasa, ibang usapan naman yun.) Wag mo din sisihin ang sarili mo kasi nagmamahal ka lang naman. But don’t torture yourself. I know mahirap yan that you have so much love in your heart but the one you want to give it to is not willing to receive it pero maniwala ka, ireserba mo lang yan kasi may darating na maibabalik sayo kung anuman ang ibibigay mo.

Sabi nila when you love someone, you shouldn’t expect anything in return. End of sentence. Wala namang karugtong na “…but wait for him because maybe in time, he will love you back.” So in this situation, please… don’t break your own heart.


Carpe diem!

My Success Story





This blog has been long overdue. Sa sobrang dami ng nangyayari sakin lately (all good things), I somehow found it hard to wrap everything around my head. But then I really feel the need to write and share about it… because He deserves this.

Most of my readers would have noticed by now how vocal I am about my faith. It just flows. I can’t stop myself from talking about it dahil sabi nga nila, kung ano ang preoccupation ng utak mo, yun ang madalas na lalabas sa bibig mo. Many people ask me how I came to this. Na kaya daw ba ako blessed kasi madasalin ako. Let me tell you a little bit of my story. Disclaimer na din before I proceed. I would like to say that this blog is for everyone dahil ang Panginoon, walang pinipili. But if you’re looking for “hugot” posts, feel free to navigate on my blog roll. But please, I am encouraging you to give it a few minutes and read on.

Bata palang ako ambisyosa na ‘ko. Aminado ako diyan. I was raised by my parents in an environment na ang paniniwala ko magaling ako, na lahat kaya ko, na malayo ang mararating ko basta pagsikapan ko lang. Napakarami kong gustong gawin. Pero gaya ng maraming bata, I didn’t fully understand “faith”, “God”, “blessings”, and the role that He plays in my life. My mom is a very spiritual person. Siguro yung pagiging madasalin sakanya ko talaga nakuha pero yung pagdadasal ko noon, ginagawa ko kasi kailangan. Kasi sinanay ako. Magrerecite lang ng Our Father o kaya ng Hail Mary. Magsisimba tuwing Linggo. Magdadasal ng rosary. Akala ko yun lang sapat na.

Habang tumatanda ako, I have achieved things and I thank God, of course. Pero part nun, dahil sa sobrang bilib ko sa sarili ko, naniwala ako na kagagawan ko kung bakit ko narating yung mga naabot ko. I don’t know if it was pride o sadyang I just didn’t know better.

How it all started… nung naranasan kong mawala lahat sakin. Na yung mga tao at bagay na sobrang vinalue ko, I lost all of it one by one. Ang taas ng binagsakan ko. Bonggang lagapak. 2013 - yun na yung masasabi kong worst year ever but in retrospect, I realized that it was one of the best. Why? Kasi doon ko Siya totoong nakilala. Yung pagkilala na nagkusa ka, hindi pinilit, hindi tinuro.  Some people realize God’s worth without going through flames. But though He had to allow me to get burned so bad just to clear my view of WHO really matters, I wouldn’t have it any other way because whenever I speak of my journey, I appreciate Him more because this is how He slowly purified my heart. Dumating ako sa panahon na wala na akong makapitan, na para bang ibinigay ko yung sarili ko sa mga maling tao, pakiramdam ko ubos na ubos ako, tipong hindi ko alam papano ako mabubuo ulit. Wala kang makausap kasi pakiramdam mo walang makakaintindi and at the same time you don’t want to be a burden to other people. Ang hirap, sobra. Yung ayaw mong mag-isa pero kahit napapalibutan ka ng maraming tao, nanunuot sa kaloob-looban mo….. may kulang. That’s when I began talking to Him. Sa pagpiga Niya sa puso ko, kahit ang sakit sakit, kahit pagdaanan ko yun ng paulit ulit, okay lang as long as Siya ulit ang kasama ko.

The things that I have achieved this year, yung pagkapublish ng libro ko at yung maraming opportunities pa na dumating na hindi ko na halos mabilang, habangbuhay ko ipagpapasalamat sa Kanya. Pero ang totoong success story ko ay hindi yung unti unting natutupad yung mga pangarap ko. Akala ko nung una yun na yun, pero hindi pala because my real success is Him. This relationship that I have with Him now. Every night I pray about my fear that when all my dreams come true baka maligaw nanaman ako, baka makalimutan ko Siya. Pero kabaliktaran yung nangyari. The more I achieve things, the more I become closer to Him. The more I fulfill the dreams that He planted in my heart, the more that I get to know Him.

Hindi ako blessed dahil madasalin ako. God is not a genie na papapasukin mo sa buhay mo for your own satisfaction. Na hihiling ka lang at kailangan Niya i-grant lahat. Na sasabihin mo lang yung gusto mo at dapat sundin na Niya. It’s the other way around. Kaya nga Higher Power diba? Because He is greater than you. He should be the one in charge. We pray not for our wants to be fulfilled but for His plans for you to prosper. To be honest, the things that I am pursuing now, I never thought gagawin ko. It all happened because when you pray, you don’t just talk. Ultimately, you have to listen. And the day I decided to fully submit my life to Him, na Siya na ang bahala, na isusuko ko na lahat ng pagdedesisyon sa Kanya, that’s when everything slowly became clear to me. That He has a purpose for each one of us. Na yun ang gusto Niyang gawin natin because that’s where we will flourish. Ilang beses ako lumihis sa mga bagay na gusto Niya dahil ang gusto kong sundin yung sarili ko and it got me nowhere. I always end up empty and miserable. And I don’t want that kind of life anymore.

I’m not trying to convince you of anything. I’m just telling you about His greatness because such an amazing God deserves it. I cry everytime I think about how He fixed me. How He redirected me to the path na Siya ang kasama ko. Sa lugar na masaktan man ako pero may sasalo sakin.  Umiyak man ako pero may dadamay at papahid ng mga luha ko. I have many more years to live, I believe. And if so, I will lose a few more people but that’s okay because I know He will remove them so I could move on to better things. I will lose a few more battles but that’s okay because I know practice lang yun so I’ll be ready for greater blessings to come. Kung may natutunan man ako sa lahat ng ‘to… isa lang. TIWALA. Tiwala sa mga plano Niya. Tiwala sa pagmamahal Niya. Na kahit gulong gulo ka na, piliin mo pa rin Siya. Na kahit nasasaktan ka na, piliin mo pa rin maniwala na mahal na mahal ka Niya.

You create and nurture a relationship with God because you want to, not because you feel that you will be punished if you don’t. You don’t have to push yourself into doing it, but I believe na maraming pagkakataon na kakalabitin ka Niya. Pakiusap ko lang sayo, lingunin mo Siya. Remember when you’re in love? Ngitian ka lang niya, isang salita lang galing sakanya buo na araw mo. God is much like that. He doesn’t need a long conversation with you everyday. Just a good morning, a good night, or even a simple “hi” will do. Ganun kababaw ang kaligayahan Niya pagdating sayo kasi ganun ka Niya kamahal. Wag mo piliting hanapin yung taong hindi mananakit sayo kasi meron na, naghihintay lang na mapansin mo. And one day, when you find it in your heart to willingly submit yourself to Him, I promise you, He will blow your mind with his love dahil lahat ng kulang sayo, Siya lang ang magpupuno, sobra sobra pa. Ituring mo Siya na parang bf o gf mo. Talk to Him. Spend time with Him. Get to know Him. Love Him. And He will give you double, if not triple, of that. The things you need in your life, He will provide without you even asking for it. The dreams you want to fulfill, He will help you achieve it so you could be a blessing to other people too. He will surprise you everyday with things na akala mo imposible pero lahat ng yun ibibigay Niya dahil mahal ka Niya. Kaya sino may sabing sayong sawi ka at walang lovelife? Kung tutuusin ikaw ang pinakaswerte… dahil siya ang natatanging pag-ibig na hinding hindi makikipagbreak sayo. :)

To You, my dear Lord, maraming maraming salamat. Umaapaw ang puso ko ngayon ng pagmamahal dahil hindi ka nagtipid nung nagpa-refill ako ;) Now I am more capable of loving. Ang sarap ipamigay sa lahat ng nakakasalamuha ko. Ang gaan i-share kasi alam ko hindi ‘to mauubos dahil galing ‘to sa Iyo. Dalangin ko na kung sinuman ang makabasa nito, sana mas tumibay ang paniniwala at pagmamahal sa Iyo because if there’s any entity na deserving mahalin ng buong buo, it’s You.

To God be the glory.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

On One Sided Relationships



One reader sent me a message on FB asking my opinion about burning bridges. She has this friend who has been treating her differently na parang “pinakikisamahan” lang siya and she doesn’t know kung iiwasan ba niya or hindi. I won’t get into details nalang sa kwento niya kasi baka reader din yung taong involved. Hehe! I don’t want to be caught in the middle. But anyway, here’s my take about burning bridges.

I live by this rule (This only applies to me, ewan ko sa iba, disclaimer lang.):

Wag pilitin ang taong ayaw.

Nung kabataan ko hindi ko masyado iniintindi yan kasi para sakin, kung ano gusto ko, yun na yun. If I want to keep a person, I’ll do everything just to make that person stay. I’m speaking about all types of relationships. Basta pag gusto ko, gusto ko. Wala akong konsepto ng “letting go”. But eventually narealize ko na nakakastress pala. Na ako lang ang naaapektuhan, ako lang nasasaktan, ako lang ang nanliliit.

I had friendships like this too. Even isang past relationship. In other words… ONE SIDED.

Yung feeling na parang ikaw lang ang interesado, ikaw lang ang lumalapit, ikaw lang ang nageeffort… yun nga yun… IKAW LANG. The other person seems to not appreciate you dahil hindi ka naman talaga nila gusto as a person, naoutgrow ka na nila or… at ito ang pinakamadalas… natetake for granted ka kasi alam nilang hindi ka naman mawawala.

Aminado ako, hindi na ko masyadong bata. So in the past years, I have learned to let go of one-sided relationships. I’m not saying na dapat may napapala ka sakanila but a real relationship, a genuine friendship, for it to grow the people involved should nurture it. Hindi pwedeng isa lang. It has nothing to do with reaping benefits. It’s more like making the other person feel that you want him/her in your life too.

Sa sitwasyon ni Ms. Reader, nangyari na sakin yan before. Sa totoo lang yun ang pinakaayaw kong pakiramdam. Yung isinisiksik ko sarili ko sa taong ayaw sakin. Hindi madaling baguhin ang pakikisama sa isang tao lalo na if you value that person pero mas masayang mag-stay sa isang relationship or friendship na hindi “pilit”. Walang mali sayo, wala ring mali sakanila. Sadyang may mga tao lang talagang hindi swak. Hindi mo sila kailangan dedmahin na tipong wag totally pansinin kasi pag ganun, gagawin mo siya out of resentment because you were rejected. Wag ka umiwas kasi ang taong umiiwas, kinakausap ka na nga dededmahin mo pa. Mas ok siguro kung wag mo lang sila gawing priority. If they talk to you, be polite enough to reply. If they don’t talk to you, eh di ok. No harm done. Wag ka magalit. Tanggapin mo lang na hindi ka nila priority kaya para quits, wag mo din sila iprioritize. :)

Napakaiski ng buhay. Seryoso. Akala lang natin mahaba. And with that thought, sayang ang oras sa mga taong hindi ka naman pinapahalagahan. Why not focus on those who stayed with you? Those people who really get out of their way just to make you feel na importante ka sakanila? They are the ones who deserve your love, your attention, and your time. Kasi kung may mga taong ganyan sayo na dinededma mo, kung ano nararamdaman mo sa taong di pumapansin sayo, yun din ang nararamdaman nila. Alam mo na yung feeling, wag mo na iparamdam sa iba. Think about it. :)


Carpe diem!

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Do You "Like" Your Life?


“Buti pa si ganito…”
“Galing ni ano noh? Nakita ko lang sa mga posts niya.”
“Siguro si ano ganyan. Napansin mo sa mga status?”

Yan ang kadalasan natin masabi, mabasa at marinig kung saan saan. Bigla ko naisip, yung mga nakikita natin kaya online, yun kaya talaga sila? Yun ba talaga nangyayari sa buhay nila? Then I started looking at my own feeds. Nire-read ko yung mga status ko sa FB. Paulit ulit tiningnan mga photos sa personal Instagram account at binasa yung mga comments. Kung hindi ako ang may-ari ng mga accounts na yun at pawang nakikitingin at nakikibasa lang, ano kaya magiging impression ko sa sarili ko?

Hindi naman ako bored. Ewan ko bakit ko ‘to naisip. Siguro sadyang malikot lang utak ko. Here’s what I realized…

You cannot judge a person by what you see on their social media accounts. Some people highlight the positive, others dwell too much on the negative, while may iba naman who are trying to project a certain image na sobrang ibang iba sa kung sino talaga sila. That’s the point of posting, right? Bakit ka nga naman magpopost ng ayaw mo ipakita o ipaalam sa mga tao?

I have nothing against using social networking sites. Ayoko naman magpakaipokrita dahil ako mismo I’m fond of using it. All I want to say I guess is that what we see and what we read online, wala pa yan sa kalahati ng totoong nangyayari dahil yung totoong ikaw, yung tunay na buhay ng mga kaibigan at artistang nakikita mo sa FB at IG… it can never be captured in a selfie, a panoramic photo or a 15-sec video that you can post on Instagram. You cannot even gather the precise words to put the exact emotions you feel sa bawat moment ng buhay mo kahit dagdagan mo pa yan ng sticker at emoji.

Wag mo kainggitan yung mga taong akala mo may “perfect” na buhay because behind the façade, baka magulat ka na mas masaya ka pa pala sakanila. I’m not saying na kaplastikan ang mga posts na kadalasan nating nakikita online. Perhaps what I want to imply is that it’s okay to admire people based on what they show you but you have to stop downplaying yours just because you feel that your life is less fab than those around you.

APPRECIATION.

Appreciate what you have. Appreciate what God has blessed you with. Appreciate the people who genuinely care about you. Appreciate YOUR life.

Masarap makitingin at makibasa sa kwento ng iba because sometimes it allows you to fantasize about the things that you don’t have pero hindi ba mas masaya kung babasahin mo yung sarili mong kwento? That you get to lavish on its own color brought about your unique experiences na hinding hindi mararanasan ng iba? That you get to edit and revise those parts na gusto mong iimprove because that’s what life is all about… learning and changing.

Yung buhay mo, higit sa FB at IG, yan ang totoong kwento mo. Makulay at maganda kahit walang filter. Stop looking for validation dahil hindi basehan ng pagkatao ang dami ng likes at followers. Alalahanin mo na kung meron man dapat maunang maglike sa buhay mo, ikaw yun. ;)



Carpe diem!

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Friday, June 26, 2015

To Find or To Wait

Photo from www.huffingtonpost.com

Sabi nila pag hindi mo hinanap, hindi mo makikita.
Sabi naman ng iba wag mo hanapin, dapat hintayin.
Eh ano nga ba talaga? :p

Bago ko sagutin yung tanong… disclaimer lang. I don’t want to imply that I am right or that this is the only way because life and love, for me, is not always black and white. (parang nag-rhyme? :p)

Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam. Sinubukan ko kasi pareho. None of it worked.

Sabi nga ng isang character sa Chance Passenger:
Ang isang bagay, the more na hinahanap, the more na hindi nakikita.

At gaya din ng sabi ni Tin sa #100HappyDays:
Ang tao pag naghihintay, naiinip.

This is in the context of love pero it might apply to all facets of life na rin. When I tried looking for it, I got screwed over because I was trying to find it in the wrong places. Kaya… the more na hinanap ko, the more na napupunta ako sa maling tao. So okay, next experiment… maghintay. The waiting period… ugh! Frustrating. Really. The anxiety you get in that question that plays in your head over and over  “Bakit walang dumarating?” could sometimes be unbearable and not to mention, minsan depressing.

So… here’s what I did… WALA.

Try mo wag hanapin, try mo din wag hintayin. It’s not going to do you any good, kahit alin pa diyan sa dalawa. Start to look within. Focus on your life. Make yourself happy. So happy that the “right one” wouldn’t be able to bear to just watch you live your life on your own. So happy that the one meant for you won’t help but be magnetized by your positivity and would love to join you.

Alam kong cliché na yang “Love yourself first” pero may dahilan kung bakit hindi pa dumadating yung taong para sayo. Kasi minsan akala mo ready ka na pero ang totoo hindi pa pala. O baka naman ikaw ang ready pero yung tamang tao para sayo ang hindi pa. I have always believed that “timing” plays a big role when it comes to love. Yung panahon na magiging kayo hindi dahil convenient pero dahil sadyang swak lang talaga. It could happen to you in a year or maybe more but does it even matter kung ngayon palang masaya ka na?

And here’s the thing… hindi lahat sa buhay natin dapat umiikot sa lovelife. Oo, masaya. Nakakakilig. Nakakadagdag inspirasyon pero requirement ba talaga yun?

Minsan may nagsabi sakin na ang lovelife daw eh dapat “cherry on top” lang. Bonus kumbaga. Hindi ko gets noon kasi isa ako sa mga taong enthralled sa idea ng “love”. Pero as time passed and as you experience things that grow you, you will realize that LIFE is bigger than that. Na hindi dapat ikinakahon ang salitang “happiness” sa boyfriend, jowa, o lovelife. :)

As for those who ask papano mo malalaman pag true love na…

Sabi nila ang isang bagay mauunawaan mo lang when you experience giving it and receiving it. So… if you have given yourself the kind of love that you want, you’ll know what true love is. And at some point in your life, you will come across an amazing person who will love you just as much.

Don’t find it.
Don’t wait for it. 
Trust me, it will just happen and I promise... it will blow you away. ;)


Carpe diem!

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The 40-Day Challenge



I haven’t blogged in a while. Nakakamiss din pala. Anyway, this isn’t love related. I just feel like telling a story… my story this time. Sa mga students pa baka matagal-tagal pa bago niyo ‘to ma-gets, pero sa mga nasa real world na, sa mga nakakaeperience ng mastress sa trabaho, sa buhay sa bahay, and all other things that you feel like you’re responsible to, I’m sure nafeel niyo na at some point yung tinatawag nilang “burnout”. That’s exactly how I have been feeling the last couple of days.
Binalik-balikan ko yung mga sinulat ko. Nagbasa-basa ako ng mga blogs at nagsulat na rin ng kung ano ano pero parang may kulang pa rin. I’ve felt this way before and whenever I do, I pull out a random book from my shelf hoping that it would give me an insight… ang nakuha ko: “The Purpose Driven Life”.

Some people may know about this book. It’s quite popular actually. I have already read it twice since 2008. Pangatlo ko na ngayon. While reading the first chapter, a passage struck me…

“You were made by God and for God – and until you understand that, life will never make sense.”

Kekwentuhan ko kayo ng konting konti sa kung anong klaseng spiritual life meron ako noon… WALA. I believe in God, definitely. I have to because I was raised by a mother who’s extremely spiritual. In my younger days (not that I’m old… ahem!) kailangan niya pa kong pilitin at suhulan para lang sumama sakanya sa Sunday mass. Pero sa totoo lang, I hated Sundays way back. Kasi ayokong umalis ng bahay. I never really understood why I have to attend an hour of sermon eh wala naman akong napapala. Come on. Let’s not kid each other. Pag bata ka, you don’t listen to the priest. You participate during the mass dahil yun ang acceptable practice but the things you hear, they don’t make sense to you. Even until college, I was active sa mga religious organizations but it wasn’t because of my faith. First, it was because pinilit ako ng nanay ko. Second, dahil nagkaron ako ng mga kaibigan dun.  Panghuli lang yata yung dahil sa spirituality.

The first time I got to know God, as in really got to know Him was when I went through depression back in 2008. It was a year of an emotional turmoil. Napaaga yung quarter life crisis ko. Hindi ko alam kung nangyari na ‘to sa iba pero yung pakiramdam na parang walang nangyayaring tama sayo? My parents were so worried then because that was the first time they saw me that way… hindi lumalabas ng kwarto, hinahatiran pa ko ng pagkain dahil kung hindi pa ko dadalhan, literal na hindi talaga ako kakain. It wasn’t a protest o pagrerebelde. Hindi lang talaga ako nakakaramdam ng gutom. Wala akong gana sa lahat. Hindi ako bumabangon sa kama. Hindi rin naman ako umiiyak. Blangko lang talaga ko. That’s the time na nagsimula kong mahalin ang pagbabasa at pagsusulat. At yun din ang panahon na masasabi kong minahal ko rin magdasal.

I couldn’t talk to anyone. I don’t know why but whenever I try to talk to my family or my friends, nothing sensible comes out from my mouth. At pag walang wala na talaga, kanino ka pa ba lalapit? When I pray, lahat nasasabi ko. Kasi sa pagdadasal walang magagalit. Kasi sa pagdadasal walang manghuhusga. Dun ko naexperience yung magpunta ng simbahan hindi dahil obligado ako pero dahil gusto ko. Hindi dahil nagpapakabanal ako, pero ganito kasi naisip ko… What do you do when you have a friend who have helped you through a situation na akala mo sobrang lubog na lubog ka na? That friend na hindi mo naman pinapansin noon, medyo hindi ganun kasignificant sayo kaya di mo inasahan na sa pagkakataon na yun, siya pa yung nagsalba sayo? When that happens you start seeing them in a different light.
He didn’t magically make all my woes disappear. But He made me feel that I wasn’t alone. God made me feel that there’s hope. That if I hold on to His hand long enough, I will get through it, WE will get through it. That’s why I always say, tag team kami. And when you find a friend like that, you love spending more time with them. You love talking to them more. And when you pray… at some point you stop talking. Not because you don’t have anything more to say, but because you finally reach that point that you become ready, that this time it’s no longer about what you want because He already gave you that, heck He even gave you more. Now… you begin to listen. Your heart opens up and you become ready to follow His lead. Na this time, yung gusto naman Niya. Na dahil pinagbigyan ka Niya noon, ngayon ikaw naman ang magbibigay ng kung ano naman ang gusto Niya because sometimes, just being thankful is not enough, that sometimes you have to show that you really are.

So… I have realized that maybe the past few days I feel so out of sync because I pray to talk. I tell him my worries and I’m sure He feels my anxiety. I guess this is His way ng pagkalabit sakin and to say “Ok lang bang Ako naman?”

I came up with this 40-day challenge, pero sa pagsusulat ko ngayon at pagkekwento parang ayoko ng tawaging “challenge” but more of a “journey” – a journey of prayer, reflection, and discovery. I promised to sacrifice a few things that are within my comfort. Yung mga bagay na hindi ko kayang mawala. So for 40 days, I’m commiting myself to not eating pork and beef because I am a huge fan of meat (talk about burgers and pizza) and to lessen the use of social media so I could focus on my prayer time and devotion. More of an emotional and spiritual detox. It’s not going to be easy because I have done this in 2011 but when you’re on a mission, lahat kakayanin. It’s my 3rd day today. I felt the need to blog about it para mas madagdagan yung rason ko not to back out because when you send words in the cyberspace and in the universe, it somehow solidifies your commitment.

To You Big Guy…

You will always have a space in my blog page and a very veryyy big space in my heart. I can talk about so many things about love and life but how can I miss talking about You when LOVE and LIFE is actually YOU? I will never be ashamed of my faith. I will never be ashamed to talk about You because my dear Lord, all these things that I have and enjoy won’t mean anything if I don’t have You. Thank You for all the answered prayers, it inspires me. And thank You for all the unanswered ones, it humbles me. 40 days to prepare myself for what You want me to accomplish. 40 days to focus on You and nothing else. 40 days to know You more and to get myself ready to walk side by side with You.

Feel free to join me guys on this journey. Maybe you want to try it too. :)

Carpe diem!

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Friday, May 15, 2015

Walang Forever



“Walang Forever”

Isang napakapait na statement na aaminin ko minsan ko na ding sinabi. Out of katuwaan, pang-aasar sa isang taong personal kong kakilala na bitter, o siguro partly may hugot na rin pag brokenhearted ako. Pero kahit ilang beses ko sabihing “walang forever”, nakakatawa na dun at dun ako bumabalik… sa paniniwalang may true love.

This blog post is dedicated to a friend of mine who just broke up with her long time boyfriend and won’t stop saying “walang forever”. Won’t mention your name na, baka tambangan mo ko sa labas. :p

This is just my opinion about the ever-gasgas topic na “forever” at “true love”. May kanya kanya tayong paniniwala so siyempre I respect those na naninindigan na wala talagang forever. Ika nga nila “walang basagan ng trip”. ;)

It all depends on your definition of “forever”…

Kung naniniwala ka na ang true love walang bahid ng sakit o kurot o sapak o saksak sa puso… wala talagang forever.

Kung ang pananaw mo sa true love puro happiness lang and there should never be any bump in the road… wala talagang forever.

Kung sa tingin mo ang true love perpekto at bawal magkamali… tama ka, wala ngang forever.

Kung tatanungin ako kung naniniwala ba ko sa forever, ang hirap sagutin sa totoo lang dahil ang tanging pagmamahal na naranasan ko that will stand the test of time eh yung pag-ibig na meron ako sa Taas at sa mga magulang ko. But if we will talk about romantic love, I failed… so many times with different people. Naging bitter din ako. Napaisip din kung totoo bang may true love o isa lang siyang kathang isip na pilit nating  inaasahan na mangyayari sa totoong buhay.

“Hindi dahil hindi pa nangyayari sayo, ibig sabihin hindi na nageexist.”

One good friend of mine told me that before. True love, forever… I’ve seen it happen. Masaklap kasi hindi sa akin pero sa mga tao sa paligid ko oo. Maraming nagdududa dahil feeling nila imposible na may ganung klaseng pagmamahal… pure and lasting. One that will endure all the odds.

It may or may not happen to me but I will never lose my faith on love. I may or may not fall in love again but as long as I see it happen to the people around me, kokonti man sila, I will never give up on love. Hopeless romantic, cheesy, corny, what have you… I couldn’t care less because I feel it in my heart na part siya ng calling ko that’s why I write about love. Hindi para papaniwalain ang buong universe na totoo ang forever kundi iopen ang mga mata ng tao sa possibilities. Na dapat magsimula sayo before magmanifest sa mundo mo. Na hindi mo pwedeng asahan na ang true love kusa lang nangyayari dahil sa real world, ang true love at forever pinagtatrabahuan ng dalawang taong naniniwala.

I believe in forever not because I have experienced it, I believe in forever because it is and will always be my choice dahil kung hindi ako maniniwala, ano pa paniniwalaan ko? Hindi naman ako halaman. May puso ako, gusto ko gamitin, at gagamitin ko na rin lang bakit pa ko magtitipid? Nakakaubos. Nakakabaliw. Nakakagago. Nakaka-p*tang ina. Pero kahit ganun, nakakatawa pero gusto ko pa rin maranasan. Magmahal, masaktan, sumaya, kabahan, kiligin, mainis, malungkot… lahat. Call me crazy but this is who I am and this is how I want to experience love. Na kahit ilang beses na minaso, inapakan, dinurog, tinapon, pinabayaan yung puso ko, it will heal on its own kasi… makulit eh… gusto pa magmahal ulit. Maingat ng slight pero totoo. May konting takot pero buo.

I believe that I am capable of giving that kind of love. True love. Forever. Kung anupaman. Ang kulang nalang yung makahanap ako ng isa pang baliw na katulad ko. Kung dumating siya, eh di wow. Kung hindi, my heart will never cease to be happy kasi alam ko, merong forever at sinimulan ko sa sarili ko. :)


Carpe diem!

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Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Thoughts on Fangirling / Fanboying

Photo from www.billboard.com

Topic request from one of my readers, my thoughts daw on being a fan. Sorry Dezza it took me this long to get this blog done. :p

Anyway, here it is…

I’m sure maraming makakarelate kasi I believe at one point sa buhay natin meron tayong hinangaan ng sobra, pwedeng celebrity, athlete, author, known personality, or maybe someone na hindi kilala ng iba pero sa community niyo kilala siya. Para sa akin, walang masama maging fan. Actually nakakadagdag pa nga yan ng kulay sa buhay kasi with so many things going on in our lives, being updated about what they do, where they at, what keeps them busy, nagiging sort of escape natin yan from our sometimes stressful reality.

I’ve been observing a lot sa social media. I see a lot of people, as they term it, “fangirling” or “fanboying”. Minsan nakakatuwa, nakakapagtaka, pero may mga cases na nakakaalarma. When does this happen? Pag sumosobra.

Ang saya naman kasi talaga. Yung feeling na nag-aabang ka sa mga susunod na mangyayari. It’s as if you’re living a double life – mundo ng realidad at yung mundo na alam mong temporary pero hindi mo maiwasang maamuse sa mga taong hinahangaan mo at sa mga taong nakikilala mo na gaya mo, pumapantasya din.

Pero ito yun…

Ang pagiging fan ay dapat “fun”. Once na nagsimula ka ng makasakit ng iba (pambabash sa iba maipagtanggol lang ang hinahangaan mo) at mapansin mong nagiiba na yung pagkatao mo at naisasantabi mo na ang values mo alang alang sa tinatawag mong “idolo”, iba na yun. You become a fan of someone because you are inspired by them and when you are inspired, your life becomes better. Whatever quality it is na naging dahilan ng pagiging fan mo, you emanate it in your own life kasi gusto mo somehow maging ganun ka din.

There’s a thin line between “being inspired” sa “idolatry”. The former, positive yung effect while the latter… hmm… medyo bumoborder na yata yun sa pagwoworship sa isang tao which is hindi na nakakaganda dahil kung may sasambahin ka man, hindi dapat sila yun dahil gaya mo, tao din sila. When you become a fan of someone, hindi mo ‘to mapapansin but you invest time, money and emotions. What they go through, parang pinagdadaanan mo din. It is fun, yes. But only to a certain point. This I would like to reiterate lalo na sa younger generation… guys and girls… at the end of the day, may sarili silang buhay at ang pinakaimportante… may sarili ka ring buhay.

“Fangirling” should only add spice to your already-amazing life. You don’t need celebrities, known personalities, and whoever to make your life awesome and interesting. Bago mo maappreciate ang nakikita mo sa ibang tao, learn how to appreciate your own life first. I’m not saying na masama maging fan, what I’m saying is, hindi dapat sila ang top priority. Ok lang na magbigay suporta, ok lang na magpakita ng pagmamahal sa taong hinahangaan mo, pero set your boundaries dahil once nacompromise na ang totoong dapat priority mo (God, family, work, friends, at sarili mo) then I tell you… you’re in big trouble.

Pano mo malalaman pag priority mo na ang “idol” mo: Above everything and anything, siya ba ang uunahin mo? Tipong lahat ipagpapalit mo wag ka lang makamiss out ng game, concert, pelikula, meet and greet, o kung anupaman ng “idol” mo? Nagkakaron ka na ng tinatawag nilang FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). In other words, sakanya na umiikot mundo mo.

That world is an escape… but that’s just it. An escape. It is temporary, it is fleeting. Ikumpara natin sa vitamins. Ang vitamins pampagana, pampadagdag energy, pero yun lang sila. Hindi pwedeng puro vitamins lang, kailangan mo rin kumain ng TOTOONG pagkain para mabuhay ka.

Sa lahat ng may mga fans, (as if naman mababasa niyo ‘to eh mostly naman sa inyo eh artista) :p O sige, shoutout nalang sa universe, kung sakali mang may makabasa nito na may mga fans…

Alagaan mo sana yung mga taong sumusuporta at humahanga sayo. May responsibilidad ka sa mga taong yan. Maaaring hindi mo naman sila inutusan na hangaan ka pero hindi lahat ng tao nabibigyan ng ganyang opportunity. Hindi naman sa pagiging righteous o pa-hero pero kung biniyayaan ka ng langit ng ganyang klaseng impluwensya, gamitin mo sa tama. When people say that they believe in you, that you inspire them, that they have faith in what you can do… BE WORTH IT.

At para naman sa mga fans ng kahit sinong personalidad, hindi mo mapipili kung kanino ka kikiligin, kung sinong tao ang hahangaan mo, kung anong klaseng “fandom” ang gusto mong kabilangan, etc. Walang problema dun. We are all free to admire anyone na gustuhin natin pero siyempre, dapat may limitasyon. Whatever you see on television, whatever write-ups or publicities you read and hear, kahit i-stalk niyo pa sila at sundan araw araw, you will only know a chunk of their life because their reality, kung sino talaga sila, ano talaga sila pag walang nakatingin, sila lang at wala ng iba ang nakakaalam nun. And just a thought… Tinutulungan mo sila matupad pangarap nila, ang tanong… pano yung mga sariling mong pangarap kung ubos na ang oras mo kakastalk at kakasagap ng kung anong bago sakanila? ;)

“Fangirl” in moderation ika nga. Be inspired by them but your own life should always be your priority. Sa buhay mo, hindi kung sinumang kilalang personalidad o artista kundi ikaw… ikaw dapat ang bida. :)


Carpe diem!

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Friday, February 20, 2015

Forgiving a Cheater



Topic request :)

 “Have you forgiven a cheater?”

Answer: Yes. How? Mahabang usapan yan. It wasn’t easy. Forgiveness is actually something tricky kasi minsan akala mo napatawad mo na, then one day you’ll realize hindi pa pala. It’s hard to be cheated on. Masakit kasi pakiramdam mo you’re not worth the loyalty and worse, you feel like you don’t deserve to be treated fairly. Hindi ko na pahahabain pa yung cheating part kasi ayoko ng bitter statements. I would like to focus on the forgiveness part kasi at the end of the day, yun dapat yung mas mangibabaw.

Here’s the thing… the more you think about how you were cheated on, why you were tricked into believing na loyal siya sayo, saan ka ba nagkulang blah blah blah, mas lalo ka lang mahihirapan patawarin siya. 

The person who cheated on me doesn’t know na alam ko na. It happened nung kami pa. Saddest part, the third party was a common friend na pinagselosan ko, turned out my instinct pala that time was right. My situation is way too hard kasi nalaman ko lahat tapos na kami. Kanino pa ko magagalit? The night I knew about it, gusto kong sumabog. I am not a perfect person, I know I had my shortcomings, but never did I imagine na may tao na makakaisip that I deserve to be cheated on. Gustong gusto ko magalit. I think when someone hurts you yun naman talaga ang initial reaction ng kahit sino but my anger did not last long. I was hurt. Badly hurt. And I know that I needed to let it out. What I did? I prayed. Uncomfortable pakinggan for some people especially those who aren’t exactly spiritual but it made me feel better. I want Him to take away my anger. But I know He won’t do that because it is actually my job. That all He can do is be my strength and the rest lies within me, kung papaano ko ihahandle, kung mas pipiliin ko bang saktan din yung taong nanakit sakin to get even or to just let it all go.

Nag-isip ako bago ako magreact. Inanalyze ko kung ano ba yung makakabuti. I had the choice to talk about it but I didn’t. Why? What for? Mababago ba nun yung sitwasyon? Pag minura ko ba siya will it take back what happened? Hindi. In other words, it’s a waste of time. Regardless kung nalaman mo o hindi, alam ng mga taong nanloko sayo kung ano ang ginawa nila. They know it’s wrong, alam din nila na makakasakit sila but they still choose to do it. Being so, the burden is on them, not on you.

Listen… hindi sila masamang tao. They may be selfish but they are not monsters. Like what I always tell my friends, kokonti nalang ang tao sa mundong ‘to na mas uunahin ang iba kesa sa sarili nila. And by that I mean they have their needs. People cheat for different reasons but it boils down to that. They need something – thrill, excitement, validation, etc. If you look at the situation objectively, mas magiging madali para maintindihan at mas madaling magpatawad. Because then you will realize na hindi ikaw ang problema. That sometimes you have to look at them as human beings who made bad choices, malas mo nga lang it had to be on your expense pero ganun eh. The moment you let yourself fall in love with them sinugal mo na din yung puso mo. You can hate them all you want, trashtalk all you want but at the end of the day, hindi mababawasan nun yung sakit na nararamdaman mo. In fact you would even feel worse kasi nagpakababa ka. Alam mo ng mali yung ginawa nila, gagawa ka pa ng isang mali. Kung minura ko siya, o ipinaramdam ko sakanya yung galit ko, mas lalabas akong nakakaawa. Nabastos na nga ako dahil niloko ako tapos ibibigay ko pa sakanya yung satisfaction to see me at my weakest. They can hurt you but NEVER let them break you. People who treat you with no respect, regardless if it's intentional or not, deserve to be... o wag mo iexpect na sasabihin kong deserve nilang bastusin. Hindi. Deserve nilang ma-dedma ;)

Lahat sa buhay natin desisyon. In this case, the moment na niloko ka nila was the exact moment that they decided to let you go. Whatever their reason is, ganun ang relasyon eh. Kahit sino maniwala ka sakin hindi nakukuntento. The only difference is that some people try to find someone else to fill the void while yung iba, sila ang gagawa ng paraan para punuan kung anuman yung kulang sakanila.

In my opinion, nasa tao naman yan. It may take you a long time before you truly forgive someone or pwedeng mas mabilis ka magpatawad. But for me, harboring ill-feelings is a waste of time. Aside from this person who cheated on me, marami pa kong taong gustong mahalin like my family and my friends kaya ayoko dumihan yung puso ko. I felt bad for a certain period of time. Hinayaan ko sarili ko maging tao for a while pero hindi ko na pinahaba. Ayoko pumayag na wala na nga kami naaapektuhan pa din niya ko. It’s like this, I gave you my heart. If you want it, salamat. Kung ayaw mo, eh di wag. Hindi ako mapilit na tao. Kung gusto, gusto. Kung ayaw, la akong pake. I'm not saying that in a manner na parang bitter. I'm saying it the way it should be said, wala. akong. pake. :)

But then, forgiving you doesn't entail any kind of friendship with me kasi hindi 'to package deal. Hindi dahil nakapagpatawad ako ibig sabihin na pwede ka ng bumalik sa buhay ko o na pwede na tayo maging chummy-chummy because that’s a different thing. It could happen, but it’s not automatic.

Not because I don’t want to be your friend it already means na hilaw yung pagpapatawad ko. I just respect myself enough to choose the people who I keep in my life. I can’t be friends with people who I don’t trust so until you earn it, stay away. But you may take consolation on the idea that I have sincerely forgiven you. I will be polite if you want to talk but don’t expect me to listen to you and to share my life with you just like how I am with the people I value. No hate, just pure respect for boundaries.

So sa mga niloko, it starts with acceptance. Tanggapin na nagawa nila yun sayo, tanggapin na nagkamali sila at higit sa lahat tanggapin na wala sayo yung problema. If you feel hate or anger creeping in every part of your being, hayaan mo lang but don’t act on it. Take the high road, embrace the pain, but don’t hurt anybody else in the process (your ex included). It’s not worth it. It doesn’t matter anymore kung makarma sila o hindi. It’s none of your business. Besides, isn’t losing you karma enough? What’s important is that you’re working on being whole again.

Forgive them even if they don’t deserve it because believe me my friend, you deserve your peace.


Carpe diem!

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