I haven’t blogged in a while. Nakakamiss din pala. Anyway, this isn’t love related. I just feel like telling a story… my story this time. Sa mga students pa baka matagal-tagal pa bago niyo ‘to ma-gets, pero sa mga nasa real world na, sa mga nakakaeperience ng mastress sa trabaho, sa buhay sa bahay, and all other things that you feel like you’re responsible to, I’m sure nafeel niyo na at some point yung tinatawag nilang “burnout”. That’s exactly how I have been feeling the last couple of days.
Binalik-balikan ko yung mga sinulat ko. Nagbasa-basa ako ng mga blogs at nagsulat na rin ng kung ano ano pero parang may kulang pa rin. I’ve felt this way before and whenever I do, I pull out a random book from my shelf hoping that it would give me an insight… ang nakuha ko: “The Purpose Driven Life”.
Some people may know about this book. It’s quite popular actually. I have already read it twice since 2008. Pangatlo ko na ngayon. While reading the first chapter, a passage struck me…
“You were made by God and for God – and until you understand that, life will never make sense.”
Kekwentuhan ko kayo ng konting konti sa kung anong klaseng spiritual life meron ako noon… WALA. I believe in God, definitely. I have to because I was raised by a mother who’s extremely spiritual. In my younger days (not that I’m old… ahem!) kailangan niya pa kong pilitin at suhulan para lang sumama sakanya sa Sunday mass. Pero sa totoo lang, I hated Sundays way back. Kasi ayokong umalis ng bahay. I never really understood why I have to attend an hour of sermon eh wala naman akong napapala. Come on. Let’s not kid each other. Pag bata ka, you don’t listen to the priest. You participate during the mass dahil yun ang acceptable practice but the things you hear, they don’t make sense to you. Even until college, I was active sa mga religious organizations but it wasn’t because of my faith. First, it was because pinilit ako ng nanay ko. Second, dahil nagkaron ako ng mga kaibigan dun. Panghuli lang yata yung dahil sa spirituality.
The first time I got to know God, as in really got to know Him was when I went through depression back in 2008. It was a year of an emotional turmoil. Napaaga yung quarter life crisis ko. Hindi ko alam kung nangyari na ‘to sa iba pero yung pakiramdam na parang walang nangyayaring tama sayo? My parents were so worried then because that was the first time they saw me that way… hindi lumalabas ng kwarto, hinahatiran pa ko ng pagkain dahil kung hindi pa ko dadalhan, literal na hindi talaga ako kakain. It wasn’t a protest o pagrerebelde. Hindi lang talaga ako nakakaramdam ng gutom. Wala akong gana sa lahat. Hindi ako bumabangon sa kama. Hindi rin naman ako umiiyak. Blangko lang talaga ko. That’s the time na nagsimula kong mahalin ang pagbabasa at pagsusulat. At yun din ang panahon na masasabi kong minahal ko rin magdasal.
I couldn’t talk to anyone. I don’t know why but whenever I try to talk to my family or my friends, nothing sensible comes out from my mouth. At pag walang wala na talaga, kanino ka pa ba lalapit? When I pray, lahat nasasabi ko. Kasi sa pagdadasal walang magagalit. Kasi sa pagdadasal walang manghuhusga. Dun ko naexperience yung magpunta ng simbahan hindi dahil obligado ako pero dahil gusto ko. Hindi dahil nagpapakabanal ako, pero ganito kasi naisip ko… What do you do when you have a friend who have helped you through a situation na akala mo sobrang lubog na lubog ka na? That friend na hindi mo naman pinapansin noon, medyo hindi ganun kasignificant sayo kaya di mo inasahan na sa pagkakataon na yun, siya pa yung nagsalba sayo? When that happens you start seeing them in a different light.
He didn’t magically make all my woes disappear. But He made me feel that I wasn’t alone. God made me feel that there’s hope. That if I hold on to His hand long enough, I will get through it, WE will get through it. That’s why I always say, tag team kami. And when you find a friend like that, you love spending more time with them. You love talking to them more. And when you pray… at some point you stop talking. Not because you don’t have anything more to say, but because you finally reach that point that you become ready, that this time it’s no longer about what you want because He already gave you that, heck He even gave you more. Now… you begin to listen. Your heart opens up and you become ready to follow His lead. Na this time, yung gusto naman Niya. Na dahil pinagbigyan ka Niya noon, ngayon ikaw naman ang magbibigay ng kung ano naman ang gusto Niya because sometimes, just being thankful is not enough, that sometimes you have to show that you really are.
So… I have realized that maybe the past few days I feel so out of sync because I pray to talk. I tell him my worries and I’m sure He feels my anxiety. I guess this is His way ng pagkalabit sakin and to say “Ok lang bang Ako naman?”
I came up with this 40-day challenge, pero sa pagsusulat ko ngayon at pagkekwento parang ayoko ng tawaging “challenge” but more of a “journey” – a journey of prayer, reflection, and discovery. I promised to sacrifice a few things that are within my comfort. Yung mga bagay na hindi ko kayang mawala. So for 40 days, I’m commiting myself to not eating pork and beef because I am a huge fan of meat (talk about burgers and pizza) and to lessen the use of social media so I could focus on my prayer time and devotion. More of an emotional and spiritual detox. It’s not going to be easy because I have done this in 2011 but when you’re on a mission, lahat kakayanin. It’s my 3rd day today. I felt the need to blog about it para mas madagdagan yung rason ko not to back out because when you send words in the cyberspace and in the universe, it somehow solidifies your commitment.
To You Big Guy…
You will always have a space in my blog page and a very veryyy big space in my heart. I can talk about so many things about love and life but how can I miss talking about You when LOVE and LIFE is actually YOU? I will never be ashamed of my faith. I will never be ashamed to talk about You because my dear Lord, all these things that I have and enjoy won’t mean anything if I don’t have You. Thank You for all the answered prayers, it inspires me. And thank You for all the unanswered ones, it humbles me. 40 days to prepare myself for what You want me to accomplish. 40 days to focus on You and nothing else. 40 days to know You more and to get myself ready to walk side by side with You.
Feel free to join me guys on this journey. Maybe you want to try it too. :)