I have been on hiatus for some time. Not that it matters to others but I would like to share with you something that was life changing for me.
Just a background, madalas ko ng naririnig yung prayer and fasting. Actually, I try to do it every Holy Week (and I say “try” kasi most of the time hindi successful). It was just recently that I had serious thoughts about it because I felt something inside was calling me to do it. For days, I researched on the proper way of doing prayer and fasting. I talked to my mom about it and sought advice from my friends especially those na nasubukan na. I didn’t know how to prepare myself for it kasi “7 days” is “7 days”. Yung malihis ako sa nakasanayan ko and give up certain things (sa mga hindi nakakaalam I have this need to stick to my daily routine otherwise I become really anxious), it was unimaginable for me. But then I realized, this will test kung ano nga ba ang kaya kong isakripisyo para sa Kanya so sabi ko “sige na, bahala na”.
Sa totoo lang, wala akong major issue sa buhay. I’m not depressed. Wala akong pinagdadaanan. Everything is okay. I am working on a lot of things lalo na sa career and everyday nagigising ako na sobrang hopeful at excited sa mga projects na nakasalang sakin para sa mga susunod na buwan. At some point though narealize ko na lagi natin iniisip kung masaya ba tayo. The things we do, we do it to pursue happiness. I began to ask “Ikaw ba Lord? Happy ka ba?” I decided to zone out for 7 days so I could hear Him better. I have been looking for my so called “spiritual home” for a long time and I feel that I have already found it but I know in my heart that there are things in my life that need serious “pruning” because as much as I have accepted Him as my Lord and Savior, there are still things na hindi ko maisuko ng 100%. Mga bagay na akala ko sinuko ko na pero hindi pa pala buong buo yung pag-surrender ko.
A friend once told me “Hindi ka Niya masasagip kung dumidiskarte ka pa rin ng pang-sarili mo.” Hindi ko maisuko kasi feeling ko hindi ko kaya. Ganun tayo eh – tao, madalas mahina. Sa mga araw na lumipas dun ko narealize that when you say “With God, nothing is impossible.” you have to REALLY believe it. Majority sa buhay ko sinuko ko na sa Kanya pero yun mismo yung problema. “Majority” LANG. Hindi lahat. Hindi buo. Hindi kumpleto.
Since I started my 7-day journey, things were easy. Nagulat din ako. The things na akala ko ang hirap i-give up at feeling ko essential sa araw araw kong pamumuhay, He answered my prayer kasi hindi ko hinanap hanap. Wala talagang urge. Dun ko naisip yung mga mas seryosong bagay na hindi ko mabitawan. I looked at myself closely and how I live my life and God showed me so many things that I was so afraid to deal with before kaya naipon lang. He made me realize “Anak, sinampolan na kita sa maliliit na bagay. Kinaya kong alisin. Sana pagkatiwalaan mo rin Ako sa mga malalaking bagay sa buhay mo na kailangan mo ng tanggalin.”
I realized that I became dependent on some things na kung hindi ko pa aayusin ngayon, natatakot ako na baka makalimutan ko that He is my God – not the dreams that I am pursuing, not the people around me who I love, not the material things and the fleeting moments here on earth that I enjoy. I have been spending so much time pursuing my personal happiness that I’m slowly taking Him for granted. Nagsisimula ko ng sukatin yung success at kaligayahan ko through earthly standards ng hindi ko namamalayan. Kinalabit Niya ko bigla and asked me “Anak, para sa Akin pa ba yan?”
I know after this marami pang mangyayari but the past few days had been both challenging and fulfilling for me. I feel renewed and more motivated to pursue Him and the hunger to get to know Him keeps growing and growing. Ngayon ko lang mas naunawaan that when He calls you and you respond to it, pag ang puso mo binuksan mo ng buong buo sa Kanya, mas maiintindihan mo Siya, mas makikilala mo Siya, mas maririnig mo yung boses Niya.
I want to turn away so badly from the things that will hurt Him and in doing so, I know it will take more time, patience and commitment. I admit that it worried me a lot that I might backslide but this week, I truly found peace in my heart and submitted all my fears to Him because I know that for as long as I trust Him completely, nothing is impossible.
Thank you, Lord, for surrounding me with people who will help me make sure that I am aligned with Your purpose for me and my life and for sending me earth angels na aakay sakin pabalik in case madapa na naman ako. To my parents, especially my mom who laid the groundwork sa pagkilala ko sa Kanya, maraming maraming salamat. To my sister-in-law, Belle, you have no idea how one Sunday with you and my brother changed me. I will be forever grateful for that. To my friends who check up on me all the time and who have expressed their sincere desire to join me in my walk with Christ (Jill, Thea, Ms. Joy, and Mommy Faith), THANK YOU!
I am not sharing this so people would emulate what I did and I can’t guarantee the same spiritual experience kasi iba iba naman tayo but I encourage you to take a pause once in a while and REALLY listen to what He wants to tell You. Allow Him to enter your heart and fill all the holes na akala niyo kahit kailan hindi mapupunan. Let Him do wonders and miracles in your life because believe me, you will gain the best kind of happiness – pure, real and everlasting. I incessantly pray for love and kindness to continuously reign in your hearts and may you find in all things that you do the desire to glorify and honor God.
Carpe diem! :)