Saturday, August 30, 2014

Single Ba Kamo?

Photo from ixdaily.com

Scanning through old files as I try to find inspiration in writing Project Z... then I found this. I wrote it some time last year. Isang nakakabaliw at nakakaaliw na taon na ang nakakalipas. :) Anyway, you might pick up something here. Enjoy!

I honestly don't know what the big deal is kung single ang isang tao until I contemplated about it lately. I've been reading a couple of blogs and random status from people sa iba't ibang sites. It dawned into me na oo nga, big deal nga ata.

Nasubukan ko na pareho, maging single and to be in a relationship. Parehong may perks, pareho ding may disadvantages. But let's focus more on "singlehood". Single as in walang katext lagi, single as in walang automatic kasama pag gusto mong lumabas, single as in "malungkot" at feeling "walang nagmamahal", single as in walang tinatawag na baby, honey, babe, love, tart, coco crunch o kung ano pa man (ayoko na makipagpatamisan ng term of endearment). 

This is not a self-promotion but I am single. Single and not worried. Not worried na tumandang mag-isa. Not worried na walang nagmamahal. Not worried na matulog na unan lang ang katabi. Not worried na walang pinagrereportan ng whereabouts ko. Not worried na walang nagagalit over petty things. Not worried na sa lamig nalang ng nakaraang habagat at mga darating pang bagyo kikiligin. Just NOT WORRIED AT ALL. 

How? Why? Ewan ko din. I've been in long term relationships and kung may namaster akong pakiramdam, yun na ata yun, yung dependency, yung attachment. I don't even know how to be on my own. But with my most recent breakup, everything became different. Dumating ako sa puntong di na ko makaiyak pero alam kong nasasaktan ako. Hindi ko masabing namanhid because I can feel everything. Pero sigurado ako sa isang bagay... Naubos ako. And that's when I remembered what my friend told me once. Na sa bawat tao daw na mamahalin mo, you will leave a part of you in them. So when one relationship ends, you have to gain that part back bago ka magmahal ulit. Otherwise, you will keep on loving and loving until one day you'll wake up with nothing more to offer, not even to yourself. 

Sa pagkakakilala ko sa sarili ko I'm fearless when it comes to relationships. I take risks and I don't look back. I give it my best shot, I lay down everything from day 1 and surprisingly I can sustain. Until this. For the first time natakot ako. Hindi ako takot na magmahal ulit, I'm not even scared of getting hurt again. I'm terrified that one day dumating na yung tamang tao para sakin at dahil sinagad ko sarili ko, wala na ko mabibigay sakanya. 

My point is... 

I don't want to be lonely... But I don't want to be broken forever. Yung tipong kahit may karelasyon ka alam mong may part sa sarili mo na hindi makukumpleto ng kahit sino. 

Sabi nila mahalin mo muna sarili mo bago ka magmahal ng iba. Cliche. Kaya hindi ako naniniwala. But eventually I realized that being single is a gift. It's not a curse. It is an opportunity that one should embrace because it means growth... a chance to get to know yourself and to discover how strong you can be dahil hindi mo kailangan ng ibang tao para maramdaman mong mahalaga ka. Don't get me wrong. Hindi ako hater at mas lalong hindi ako bitter. All I'm saying is don't settle. Don't be in a relationship with the next person who makes you feel important just because you don't want to be left alone. Alamin mo muna kung papano mo talagang naiintindihan ang salitang "love" before you get yourself involved with anyone. This has nothing to do with rebound relationships. Actually tungkol to sayo. Hindi sakanya, hindi sakanila. SAYO. Hindi kung ano ang kaya nilang ibigay kundi ano ang kaya mo ibigay at kung ano ba ang dapat para sayo. 

I don't care kung gaano ako katagal magiging single not because I lost hope. It's actually the opposite. I'm choosing this path because I'm hopeful. Hopeful to find not a better partner but the best partner. Hopeful that I will someday get the kind of love that my heart truly deserves. Hopeful that God will hand me that heart as I hear Him say "I reserved this one especially for you, now you're ready. Alagaan mo dahil ito, sayo na at sayo lang." 

For now, I want to gain back everything that I lost. As what most would say, be the kind of person you want to be with. If you don't love your own company, who else would want you then? I'm not sure if I made sense here but I hope my insight would somehow help. 

Carpe diem!



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