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Just thoughts I had this morning after speaking with a friend. Kinumusta buhay ko, work, lovelife, the usual. During our talk, I realized na oo nga no. I haven't dated for a long time. Not because I'm not interested or anything close to that. If it wasn't for that conversation, hindi ko pa maiisip. Somehow it felt like it didn't matter. I would admit at first it did. For a person like me who had been in long term relationships, spending time on my own was something new and this is surprisingly the longest that I've been single.
Not that I'm glorifying it or justifying not being in a relationship, and don't get me wrong, I don't hate the thought of having a partner, at sa mga nagtanong in the past kung takot na ba ko magmahal ulit the answer is "NO". In fact, gustong gusto ko pa magmahal ulit. Sino ba'ng may ayaw? I think people are born with it, yung need to be loved and eventually find someone they can share their life with. But I guess that's the thing about me, and maybe with other people too na kagaya ko. As much as I want to find love again, this is a newfound bliss. This has nothing to do with my past and with getting my heart broken or the thought that I fear being torn into pieces again because I already made peace with that a long time ago. I carry no regrets, guilt, not even hate towards my exes. When you have peace in your heart you just forgive everyone including yourself and it happens naturally, with little to no effort. It just happens.
To be honest, I’m in love right now. I’m in love with the life I was able to build for myself. Sure I have my moments that I wish there’s someone I can share this with but during these moments, I find myself praying and in His subtle ways, God speaks to my heart and I listen as He tells me that the best is yet to come. That He will blow me out of my mind one day as He gives me the sweetest surprise. That He will let me and my future love find each other in the most unconventional way but will leave both of us breathless as we realize that it was Him who designed the whole thing. This could happen, or maybe not, but for some reason, I trust Him.
I know myself now. I know what I want and on my way to pursuing all of it, the feeling is incredible. You know that feeling when you first realize that you are falling in love? Yung high? Yung para kang lutang na hindi mo maintindihan? That’s how I feel right now. Only that it is not for a person but for the life I have right now, the people I was able to keep, those who happily stayed with me, the unbelievable appreciation I have in pursuing my dreams, the sense of fulfillment when people come up to me or send me a message about how I inspire them and lifts them up somehow. What more can I ask? As my friend said: Siksik na kasi yung puso mo sa pagmamahal sa lahat ng nakapaligid sayo at sa lahat ng meron sa buhay mo, di mo na maisingit maghanap pa ng lovelife.
To you my future love, one day when you find me, I want myself to be this way. I have an amazingly full heart right now. A heart that can give you more than you can ever expect and more than I thought I could ever give. One day mababasa mo ‘to and when that day comes… I’ll smile, give you a gentle peck on the cheek and whisper… “3rd paragraph… that’s you.”
I may have not searched for you but I know in my heart na ibibigay ka Niya and when that day comes, baka makalimutan ko na naghintay ako because this time, with God's cue, I'm sure it's for keeps. :)